I'm your momma. And I finally got to "meet" you last Friday. It took weeks of waiting, excruciatingly slow weeks. You see, I wanted to wait until you were a little older before I agreed to have an ultrasound in an abundance of caution. My preference was to wait until 12 weeks but the birthing center we chose to welcome you into the world said they would compromise and do a 10 week abdominal ultrasound. Normally they request one at 8 weeks and a transvaginal one, but I didn't want those high frequency sound waves so close to your delicate and growing tissues.
But boy am I glad I agreed to 10 weeks because we finally got to see you and hear you on March 16th, 2018. What an exhilarating experience! But before that, I was so nervous. So, so nervous.
Why? Well 2.5 years ago I got pregnant and we miscarried. What is miscarriage? It's when the little growing baby inside you dies before it can even be born. Your daddy and I had been hoping and wishing for a baby for over 4 years at that point so you can imagine the devastation we experienced. So imagine our shock when we found out that we were growing another little bean--YOU! There were so many mixed emotions, mostly joy but yes, some fear. Some anxiety. How do I keep you alive? By all accounts, you were doing well in there. Every time I had blood work done, the numbers were wonderfully high; a far cry from our last pregnancy. And I had all of the symptoms that you were alive and growing: fatigue, peeing all the time lol, booby soreness, indigestion, some nausea (no vomiting which I LOVE YOU FOR!), and a growing belly. Still, when you've experienced a loss before (and when you've tried for 7 long years to get pregnant and are considered "advanced maternal age"), you still can't shake the nagging fear and worry.
So I did what I do best, I used oils. I applied Surrender daily and did deep breathing/praying/meditating. I gave in to God and said "body, you got this." All I could do is continue to support you with good eating and supplementation. But as the date approached for the ultrasound, I had frazzled nerves. What if there was no heartbeat? What if you stopped growing and I didn't know it? I kept reading all of these posts on Baby Center where women showed up to their ultrasounds and their babies had died. Why was I waiting for the axe to fall? Could it be that this time everything would go perfectly right? Could it be that your daddy's and my dreams were coming true?
Your aunt Regina drove up from the coast to be in attendance and she had my phone as a camera, as all three of us were invited into the dark and comforting ultrasound room. The tech put the warm gel on my tummy and for a split second all was quiet. And then......You showed up. You SHOWED UP. Right there in black and white on the TV screen, I saw your tiny form. And you were the most beautiful sight I have ever beheld. I was in shock. We saw your little heart fluttering on the screen. Alive as anything could be. The tech said you were a wonderful size and were measuring right on cue. She explained all of your little body parts and then she switched over to the Doppler so that we could listen to your heartbeat.
Ocean sounds pulsed through the room, quickly, methodically. 167 bpm. "Beautiful, beautiful rapid heartbeat," the tech exclaimed. I looked over at your daddy for the first time and he was tearing up. Aunt Regina giggled with glee. My mouth was agape. Was that wand really attached to MY belly? It felt so surreal and I exhaled so deeply, so audibly. By all accounts on the screen you were alive and healthy.
The rest of the day was punctuated with disbelief. Is my little kumquat alive and growing inside of me? Did I really witness my first ever healthy ultrasound? Aunt Regina captured the images and even some videos on my iPhone. I keep looking at them as if to remind myself that it really happened. It IS happening. You're here. You're finally here. And I'm going to nurture you so well before you burst forth into this world. Enjoy my warm cozy tummy. We've been waiting for you. It was so very nice to meet you. See you October 12th, or whenever you decide to show up.
Love always,
Momma
No comments:
Post a Comment