Did you know...?

That in the dressing rooms of maternity clothing stores, there are fake belly pads? Yeah neither did I. 

Until, that is, a few weeks ago when I needed to go swimsuit shopping for our Hawaiian anniversary/babymoon trip. It had become quite clear that my growing belly was no longer going to fit in my normal-sized bikinis so I hit up a little store called A Pea in The Pod. I was surprised that I was able to pick out several one-pieces that I liked and took them into the dressing room.

One after one, I tried them all on and snapped pics to send to my friends for their input, never noticing the padded fake belly hanging off to the side. And then I saw it. Genius, I thought! Whatever swimsuit I buy would need to last me for the entire Texas summer of hot death and I would just keep getting bigger. Using the fake belly, I could see how the suits would fit me when I'm 7-8 months along. 

So I velcroed that shit to my mid-section and began trying them on. The following pictures are what resulted. 

So based on these photos, which two swimsuits would you have selected? ;)

Signed, 

Having Too Much Fun Being Pregnant

An Overwhelming Thank YOU!

I sit here, yawning on the sofa...seriously debating a nap. Yesterday was intense, exhausting, and wildly exhilarating! I am so overwhelmed with gratitude that writing this post is superseding the call of the zzz's so here goes:

Yesterday, 60 people convened at my house for a confetti cannon launch like I've never seen. It was incredible. I reconnected with old friends I hadn't seen in awhile, and many of them got to meet my daughter Alexis and my family members. I'm grateful to my sisters, mom, and in-laws for driving all the way to Austin to be here for such a special moment! But that's not all. The response on Facebook from friends and family who couldn't be in attendance was overwhelming. So many people tuned in live for the grand reveal and commented with well-wishes. I went back later that evening and read and liked every single comment, thankful that so many are sharing this journey with us. The blog posts, the videos, the bumpie pics...I love how so many people are IN this thing with us. I tear up just thinking about it.

Prepping for yesterday was no small task. We had to purchase 56 confetti cannons and even then, we were afraid it wouldn't be enough. Making sure enough food was provided was a top priority to me and some of my friends brought fruit and veggie trays to help me out. So many thanks. As usual, my amazing husband helped me to clean and prep the house, as did my mom and sisters, which was such a huge load off.

Then people started arriving and the pictures started. Cynthia, a dear friend, brought her fancy camera and photography skills and took lots of lovely pics, many of which are attached to the end of this post. She did that out of the kindness of her heart, and I'm blown away. People grabbed blue or pink necklaces to adorn, even though many came dressed in blue or pink to show off their vote! People took their comfy lawn chairs into our clean and shaded backyard and set up in a circle; the weather was sunny and perfect!

We played two games and the prizes were dinosaur succulent planters. Game #1 was coming up with the top 10 boy and girl names of 2018, without looking at your phone. My sister Crystal won that game, which turned out to be harder for the guests than they thought! The second game was the Old Wives Tales game where people had to guess which ones were true for me. Many people were shocked that I was not craving sweets (exception: some watermelon and chocolate caramels) and some had never heard of the Chinese Gender Prediction Calendar. There was a tie for that game, and Alli won the rock-paper-scissors for succulent #2.

There was a little time to kill before 3:33 pm so many guests grazed on fruit, some played Corn Hole or Ladder Ball in the backyard, and most chatted and caught up with friends and family. Finally it came time to pass out the biodegradable confetti cannons along with strong warnings for people not to twist them until the countdown. Everyone gathered at one end of the yard while I set up my phone and went live on Facebook. Music played and people got impatient waiting, but I was insistent on 3:33! 33 is my lucky number and multiples are angel numbers, so I'll take any good juju I can get!

10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-BOOM! 54 cannons filled with blue confetti shot off in the sky and it was glorious! People screamed, cheered, hugged, laughed, were shocked, and Erik and I danced around like little kids. Those who predicted boy walked around with know-it-all prideful looks on their faces and those who predicted girl couldn't believe the sea of blue snow on the ground. SO. MUCH. CONFETTI. We even made snow angels in it!

We then confessed to everyone that we knew we were carrying a boy for almost 3 weeks and offered to show everyone the video of what it was like when we found out. Magical. Pure magic. People said their goodbyes, hugged us, and left. Many stayed and sang karaoke in the backyard. All-in-all, at the end of the day, I was oh so pooped, but oh so elated. I imagine that sums up motherhood: exhausting, yet rewarding.

I'll leave you with pics from the party, again taken by the lovely Cynthia Ludwig. As always, thank you for reading and sharing so much kindness and encouragement with the two of us. Hearts are full.

Love always,
Michelle & Erik

The countdown

Add caption

Happy Daddy!

Oh BOY!

April 3rd, 2018

Today was a crazy day that culminated in the sweetest surprise. It started with a phone call from Natural Beginnings Birth Center saying, we have the results of your genetic testing! "Everything looks good. You're negative for all major trisomies, etc etc. And we know the sex of your baby. Would you like to know right now? Or I can put it in an envelope and you can come pick it up?"

Squeeeeee! "Please put it in an envelope and we'll be right there!" I almost yelled into the phone. I ran to the bathroom and shouted to your daddy, "They have the results! We can know today!"

"Oh wow! That was quick!" he said. I immediately begin texting my mom, sisters, and closest girlfriends. "We can find out baby's sex today!" Whoa, hold on a minute several of them said. Why weren't we going to wait and find out at the gender reveal on April 22nd? Don't we want to be surprised in front of everyone?

So they had me questioning my original plan of having the gender reveal party for everyone else. Your daddy and I wanted to find out as soon as we could. After all, we had been waiting for 7 years. Three more weeks seemed like a lifetime! So I had my good friend Sarah McElvain pick up the envelope and hold onto it while I made up my mind about what I wanted to do.

After lots of thinking and discussing it with Daddy, we decided that we wanted to make this a private memorable moment between us and find out tonight. We would video our reactions and show it at the gender reveal party after we did the grand confetti cannon announcement! So I called Sarah and told her that I was coming by to pick up the envelope.

But as it turns out Sarah owns the cutest online baby boutique and we began concocting a plan to make our private reveal that much more special. Instead of pulling papers out of an envelope to read the word Male or Female, she would wrap a onesie in a fun box for us! She had me go online and select an outfit for male and one for female. Because your daddy and I are into essential oils, I choose a onesie with yellow lemons on a blue background for a boy and orange grapefruits on a pink background for a girl.

We stopped by to pick up the cute little package from Sarah's house (it had a little ducky on it which I love!) and we decided to drive to Mayfield Park which is a very special place. Your daddy and I had our wedding there almost 11 years ago and it's a beautiful park with ponds, flower gardens, tons of trees, and peacocks that roam the grounds.

We arrived at the park a little after 7 pm, and the sky was threatening rain. The wind was a-howlin' but the sun was peaking through the clouds so we got out of the car. As we did, a stunning male peacock came up to your dad and literally approached him which is surprising because they are usually shy of humans. I didn't tell him this, but I thought it was an omen that we were having a boy since males are the beautiful birds of the peacock world.

We found a nice spot snuggled in the flower gardens with a view of the arch under which we spoke our wedding vows and set up the tripod with my phone to take the video. I pressed play and we sat and stared at the box for awhile and took deep breaths. I was nervous to find out, which I don't know why because we had had this strong gut feeling that you were a boy. We opened the box and took the green tissue paper off and....

Yellow Lemons/Blue Background!

We were right! You are a little baby boy in there! Your dad exclaimed YES! and put his hands into the air. I cried for him and you and because it was the perfect peaceful little moment in our special place to find out a little more about you. But that wasn't the best part.

We had our moment and walked back to the car, onesie in hand. I got into the passenger seat and shut the door. A moment later I was startled to see your dad knocking on the window and telling me to get out of the car. Was the peacock back? "What?" I questioned as I got out of the car.

"Look up." 

And there in the sky for just that moment in time: a rainbow. Clear as day. 

My mouth dropped and tears filled my eyes and I held your dad and wept. Wept for the promise of a rainbow after a very long storm of infertility and pregnancy loss. Your soul was already beaming, as if to say "I'm here mom and dad. I'm real and I'm yours. Revel."

Surreal. I'm tearing up again even as I write this. I snapped a photo of it because I never want to forget that gift from God. That visible colorful sign that all is right in the world. For our perfect baby boy, Jackson Douglas, is about to grace the world. 

Love,

Momma

Presley: The Dog We Almost Didn't Have

Meet Presley.

This little guy is the only canine in a house full of felines. Yep, we have 4 cats (go ahead and judge me) and almost 4 years ago we found and adopted Presley. However, this is the story about how we almost didn't.

Let me back up a little bit. As I mentioned, we have 4 cats. And back then, our 16 year old daughter was still living at home and had been BEGGING us for a dog.
"Mom, Dad, puuuuuhleeease can we get a dog?? Puuuuhlease? I proooomise I'll take good care of it."

Right. Insert major eyeroll here. We had been putting it off for awhile because we knew that WE would end up being the ones taking care of it. Nonetheless, we soon found ourselves at The Austin Humane society. The smell was overwhelming. Uggghhhh dog smell. It permeated the room. We walked by several enclosures filled with dogs of various colors, shapes, sizes, and breeds. And then my eye caught a dog down at the very end of the aisle straight ahead.

*pause*

I made a beeline for him as if some invisible force was dragging me there. He was small. Dark brown and white coat, short and smooth. He was kind of an odd looking dog, but that wasn't what drew me to him. He was the saddest, most depressed looking dog in the whole shelter. I mean, you would've cried just to see this dog. I know because I did. His head was down on his paws, he wouldn't even lift it as I approached his cage. His eyes just stared up at me...deep and brown...with the world's sadness speaking to my heart. My heart that was already overflowing with love for this dog along with eyes brimming with tears...

"Someone!" I yelled. "I need to see this dog!" Erik and Alexis came up behind me to see what dog had drawn me over like a magnet. I put my hand through the hole to see if I could pet him. I touched his paw and he just kept his head down, his eyes staring at me intently. Ever so slightly, he nuzzled me with his cold wet nose and this time the tears were flowing.

I looked at his name. Elroy. What an old man name, I thought.

"Y'all" my voice quivered..."we need to take Elroy out of his cage and into the meeting room. I feel drawn to this dog." By then, Alexis had fetched a volunteer who told us she would meet us in a private room with Elroy. We sat in there and they brought him in so we could play with him. He warmed up and put his front paws up on my knees. I was soooooold.

I hoped Erik and Alexis were in agreement because in my mind, he was as good as adopted. After a few minutes in the room with him, to my delight, they were game! We told the volunteer that we wanted to start the paperwork and she went to the front desk. She came back and said,
"I'm sorry. Elroy is brand new and we haven't even processed his admittance paperwork yet. Can y'all come back Monday?"
"Sure!" we enthusiastically replied.

So we did. We came back Monday and you would not believe what happened. They never put us down for a hold on him and someone had ADOPTED HIM. He. Was. Gone.

My heart sank. How could this be? We were told he wasn't ready for paperwork and then they just GIVE him to someone else?? I felt so betrayed, but mostly heartbroken that our precious Elroy (who I had mentally prepared on taking home) would never see our home. I think we stayed a looked at a few more dogs that day...I don't even really remember, it was such a blur. If we did, they didn't leave an impression on us because we went home empty handed that day. That night, I wrote a tribute and posted it on social media, eyes full of tears as I clicked submit and mentally prepared to move on and try again.

A few days later, Alexis and I decided to go back to the Austin Humane Society without Erik and just shop around for a dog. We found a dog we were interested in named Hunter and decided to take him outside on leash to see what that was like. We had never taken a dog outside before; didn't even know it was an option but this volunteer said we could. She led us outside next to this caged in dog run and we walked Hunter around the grassy area outside the shelter. He was fun but I wasn't sure he was "the one."

We started to head back in, Hunter still on leash, when out of the corner of my eye in the covered dog run, I spotted a little brown and white dog. I ALMOST didn't see him. I did a double take and stared long and hard. Was that....ELROY????

I stopped and called the volunteer over, and said
"Is that little brown and white dog Elroy?!" incredulously?!
"Hmm...I'm not sure."
"A few days ago, we came to adopt a dog that looked just like him named Elroy and they said he had been adopted."
"Hmmm" she puzzled. "Come to think of it, I do think a dog was just returned today. Let me go check."

My heart raced with excitement. Could it be him?! If so, why on God's green earth would anyone return him?! We briskly followed her back to the front desk, and sure enough...it was Elroy.

I was beaming with excitement! He's BACK! Is he adoptable? What happened?! Turns out, he was adopted by an engaged couple who were preparing for their wedding. They had him for a few days and realized that he was spending more time in his crate than anything and that they were too busy to really truly care for a dog at this point in their lives.

I couldn't believe it. We just happened to come back to the shelter the DAY he had been returned. We just happened to go walking outside and see him in the dog run, when otherwise we would've totally missed him. I told the volunteers to PUT A FREAKING HOLD ON HIM, that we would fill the paperwork out and take him home.

And we did. We took him home that very day. We fell in love, and decided to change his name to Presley after Erik's favorite singer Elvis. I shocked the internet by posting the story about how someone had returned him and we were there to accept him with loving arms. They say if it's meant to be, it'll be. In the case of Presley Harvey, that indeed rings true.

Returning Home

"The sound of the ocean 
Soothes my restless soul

The sound of the ocean

Rocks me all night long."

- Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

I was born on a beach on an island. Technically in a hospital, but on Galveston Island. I grew up in a small town on the Gulf Coast of Texas called Freeport and later, Lake Jackson Texas. Surfside beach was pretty much my backyard. Sand in my little swimsuit bottoms that came out in clumps in the bathtub later that evening. Screaming bloody murder when seaweed touched my legs. Salty, windblown hair that my mom would try to untangle when we got home. Riding on the shoulders of my daddy when I was too scared to go deeper, but had this magnetic draw to go deeper anyway. Meat tenderizer in the back of the truck in case we got stung by jellies, which happened more than once. Seashell hunting and being elated when I found a perfectly shaped shell with a hole in the center so I could make a necklace. Treasures. The beach was my treasure.

Surfside, where I first fell in love with the ocean

Erik was also born on a beach in San Clemente, California. I didn't know this when I met him, but fate brought us together. Two beach bums living 200 miles from the nearest beach and feeling homesick for that expansive blue (or brown) ocean. When we got married, we had no money for a honeymoon so we didn't take one. Having kiddos kinda makes your honeymoon seem like a non-priority. Still, we missed the beach. But as luck would have it, several years later, I would find a company called Earth Explore that would send me to Hawaii with a whole bunch of middle school kids--a far cry from a vacation, and yet...

I. Was. Enraptured.

From the time I set foot off the plane, there was something intensely spiritual about the land. The way the air smelled sweetly of flowers no matter where you turned. The visceral energy of the volcano, Pele, and her lava. The biodiversity of flora and fauna; eye candy--or rather--soul salve. Hawaii, with its endless beaches, had me in her magical spell. I vowed to return. And return I did with Erik and Alexis a few years later. This being an educational trip, we still had other students in tow, so we couldn't really call it our honeymoon. But it was on that trip that Erik and I decided that Hawaii was our home and that we would live there one day. 

My fourth trip to Hawaii, and our first together as a family - 2013

Now we are carrying life! We were scheduled to go to the Dominican Republic in April as part of a rewards trip that Erik earned with his fantastic company, The Blue Book. Erik earned President's Club three years ago and we have been itching to go back as it fills our beach fix. Because the DR is on the CDC's website for Zika warnings, pregnant women and their partners are advised not to travel there. The risk is minuscule but it was something that worried me. So one morning Erik woke me up and said 

"Let's go to Hawaii for our 12 year anniversary!"

We haven't been in almost five years and he knew that I kept having dreams of being in my spiritual homeland with a baby in my belly. Immersing myself in majestic waterfalls, swimming with laid-back sea turtles, playing the ukulele on a white sand beach...I can't tell you how strong the draw is or why it's there. So of course I said let's do it!

So instead of the Dominican Republic next week, we are going to Hawaii the first week of May for our 12 year anniversary and for one last pre-baby getaway, also known as a Babymoon. Two beach bums, exposing our unborn baby in utero to the most magical place on the planet--our second home, The Big Island of Hawaii. Where we will show Baby Harvey everything we love about that lava rock in the middle of the bright blue Pacific. Where we will fall asleep to the sound of her ocean waves crashing rhythmically on the rocky coast. Finally, a trip just the two of us.

And by then, we'll know baby's sex so we can know whether to shop for tiny hula skirts or tiny board shorts. :)

Aloha, my friends. I'll send you some love from the white sandy beaches of Hawaii.

Returning Home

"The sound of the ocean 
Soothes my restless soul

The sound of the ocean

Rocks me all night long."

- Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

I was born on a beach on an island. Technically in a hospital, but on Galveston Island. I grew up in a small town on the Gulf Coast of Texas called Freeport and later, Lake Jackson Texas. Surfside beach was pretty much my backyard. Sand in my little swimsuit bottoms that came out in clumps in the bathtub later that evening. Screaming bloody murder when seaweed touched my legs. Salty, windblown hair that my mom would try to untangle when we got home. Riding on the shoulders of my daddy when I was too scared to go deeper, but had this magnetic draw to go deeper anyway. Meat tenderizer in the back of the truck in case we got stung by jellies, which happened more than once. Seashell hunting and being elated when I found a perfectly shaped shell with a hole in the center so I could make a necklace. Treasures. The beach was my treasure.

Surfside, where I first fell in love with the ocean

Erik was also born on a beach in San Clemente, California. I didn't know this when I met him, but fate brought us together. Two beach bums living 200 miles from the nearest beach and feeling homesick for that expansive blue (or brown) ocean. When we got married, we had no money for a honeymoon so we didn't take one. Having kiddos kinda makes your honeymoon seem like a non-priority. Still, we missed the beach. But as luck would have it, several years later, I would find a company called Earth Explore that would send me to Hawaii with a whole bunch of middle school kids--a far cry from a vacation, and yet...

I. Was. Enraptured.

From the time I set foot off the plane, there was something intensely spiritual about the land. The way the air smelled sweetly of flowers no matter where you turned. The visceral energy of the volcano, Pele, and her lava. The biodiversity of flora and fauna; eye candy--or rather--soul salve. Hawaii, with its endless beaches, had me in her magical spell. I vowed to return. And return I did with Erik and Alexis a few years later. This being an educational trip, we still had other students in tow, so we couldn't really call it our honeymoon. But it was on that trip that Erik and I decided that Hawaii was our home and that we would live there one day. 

My fourth trip to Hawaii, and our first together as a family - 2013

Now we are carrying life! We were scheduled to go to the Dominican Republic in April as part of a rewards trip that Erik earned with his fantastic company, The Blue Book. Erik earned President's Club three years ago and we have been itching to go back as it fills our beach fix. Because the DR is on the CDC's website for Zika warnings, pregnant women and their partners are advised not to travel there. The risk is minuscule but it was something that worried me. So one morning Erik woke me up and said 

"Let's go to Hawaii for our 12 year anniversary!"

We haven't been in almost five years and he knew that I kept having dreams of being in my spiritual homeland with a baby in my belly. Immersing myself in majestic waterfalls, swimming with laid-back sea turtles, playing the ukulele on a white sand beach...I can't tell you how strong the draw is or why it's there. So of course I said let's do it!

So instead of the Dominican Republic next week, we are going to Hawaii the first week of May for our 12 year anniversary and for one last pre-baby getaway, also known as a Babymoon. Two beach bums, exposing our unborn baby in utero to the most magical place on the planet--our second home, The Big Island of Hawaii. Where we will show Baby Harvey everything we love about that lava rock in the middle of the bright blue Pacific. Where we will fall asleep to the sound of her ocean waves crashing rhythmically on the rocky coast. Finally, a trip just the two of us.

And by then, we'll know baby's sex so we can know whether to shop for tiny hula skirts or tiny board shorts. :)

Aloha, my friends. I'll send you some love from the white sandy beaches of Hawaii.

Two Clubs

So I find myself in this odd limbo...

In between two clubs. A sort of waiting room in between the two clubs, where access to both are readily available but I don't feel quite at home in either. 

The Mom Club

I was kinda in this club for awhile, but never FULLY IN. I raised my daughter Alexis from 7 until she moved out at 17, but I never gave birth to her. I didn't carry her for 9 months. I didn't choose her name, see her on an ultrasound. She doesn't have my DNA. Still, I was her primary mother for a large part of her life. Ergo, I was in the mom club for about a decade, even though I felt I never truly belonged because there were things I simply didn't get. I often heard statements that started with the phrase "Oh just wait til you have one of your own" and it stung even though I knew people didn't mean anything by it. My lack of feeling like I fit into the Mom Club was caused largely by my own perspective. Like somehow I was less than. There were conversations I just listened in on...conversations about pregnancy nausea, horrible contractions, spit up, diaper blowouts, sleep loss, you name it. 

And then I found out we were finally pregnant, and it's like I got this magical key to the real Mom's Club. Like finally I know what it feels like to be pregnant and God willing, experience childbirth, etc etc. It's so new and I'm still so newly pregnant that I'm not quite IN the club just yet. I'm at the entrance and there's a tiny part of me that is scared that this is all too good to be true. 

The ChildFree Club

Not quite sure what to call this club, but this'll have to do. It's a club that I currently belong to of strong, beautiful women who have either chosen not to become moms or who have been empty-nesters for quite some time. They often go out on weeknights. They take spiritual journey travel trips. They actually spend money on themselves and their hobbies. They have time freedom and tons of energy. This is the club I've belonged to for at least the past two years since we've had no kids living with us. And even though I've missed having Alexis around, I've had a blast getting to know these women! 

But here's the weird limbo part. It's like I already feel this strangely ever-so-slightly fading of my membership in this club. Like I'm beginning to grieve the natural changes that will come with entry to the Mom Club. What will my friendships look like? Will they understand how much I love them even when I'm not available nearly as often? Will I still get invited to events even though I may not be able to attend? When will I be able to enjoy rosé or champagne again?

Where do I fit in?

I'm not quite in the Mom's Club again/yet. And I'm not quite out of the Childfree Club just yet although I feel it slipping away. I found myself crying over it all today, remembering how I never fit in to the Mom's Club and loving my current club so dang much it hurts. Pregnancy hormones got me all jacked up. I think I'll do what I've trained myself to do over the past 3 years of this fertility journey. I'll just live in the moment. Allow myself to experience all of the emotions that come with the limbo. All the joy. All the sadness. All the confusion. All the peace. 

The Moment I First Met You

Hello baby.

I'm your momma. And I finally got to "meet" you last Friday. It took weeks of waiting, excruciatingly slow weeks. You see, I wanted to wait until you were a little older before I agreed to have an ultrasound in an abundance of caution. My preference was to wait until 12 weeks but the birthing center we chose to welcome you into the world said they would compromise and do a 10 week abdominal ultrasound. Normally they request one at 8 weeks and a transvaginal one, but I didn't want those high frequency sound waves so close to your delicate and growing tissues. 

But boy am I glad I agreed to 10 weeks because we finally got to see you and hear you on March 16th, 2018. What an exhilarating experience! But before that, I was so nervous. So, so nervous.

Why? Well 2.5 years ago I got pregnant and we miscarried. What is miscarriage? It's when the little growing baby inside you dies before it can even be born. Your daddy and I had been hoping and wishing for a baby for over 4 years at that point so you can imagine the devastation we experienced. So imagine our shock when we found out that we were growing another little bean--YOU! There were so many mixed emotions, mostly joy but yes, some fear. Some anxiety. How do I keep you alive? By all accounts, you were doing well in there. Every time I had blood work done, the numbers were wonderfully high; a far cry from our last pregnancy. And I had all of the symptoms that you were alive and growing: fatigue, peeing all the time lol, booby soreness, indigestion, some nausea (no vomiting which I LOVE YOU FOR!), and a growing belly. Still, when you've experienced a loss before (and when you've tried for 7 long years to get pregnant and are considered "advanced maternal age"), you still can't shake the nagging fear and worry.

So I did what I do best, I used oils. I applied Surrender daily and did deep breathing/praying/meditating. I gave in to God and said "body, you got this." All I could do is continue to support you with good eating and supplementation. But as the date approached for the ultrasound, I had frazzled nerves. What if there was no heartbeat? What if you stopped growing and I didn't know it? I kept reading all of these posts on Baby Center where women showed up to their ultrasounds and their babies had died. Why was I waiting for the axe to fall? Could it be that this time everything would go perfectly right? Could it be that your daddy's and my dreams were coming true?

Your aunt Regina drove up from the coast to be in attendance and she had my phone as a camera, as all three of us were invited into the dark and comforting ultrasound room. The tech put the warm gel on my tummy and for a split second all was quiet. And then......You showed up. You SHOWED UP. Right there in black and white on the TV screen, I saw your tiny form. And you were the most beautiful sight I have ever beheld. I was in shock. We saw your little heart fluttering on the screen. Alive as anything could be. The tech said you were a wonderful size and were measuring right on cue. She explained all of your little body parts and then she switched over to the Doppler so that we could listen to your heartbeat. 

Ocean sounds pulsed through the room, quickly, methodically. 167 bpm. "Beautiful, beautiful rapid heartbeat," the tech exclaimed. I looked over at your daddy for the first time and he was tearing up. Aunt Regina giggled with glee. My mouth was agape. Was that wand really attached to MY belly? It felt so surreal and I exhaled so deeply, so audibly. By all accounts on the screen you were alive and healthy. 

The rest of the day was punctuated with disbelief. Is my little kumquat alive and growing inside of me? Did I really witness my first ever healthy ultrasound? Aunt Regina captured the images and even some videos on my iPhone. I keep looking at them as if to remind myself that it really happened. It IS happening. You're here. You're finally here. And I'm going to nurture you so well before you burst forth into this world. Enjoy my warm cozy tummy. We've been waiting for you. It was so very nice to meet you. See you October 12th, or whenever you decide to show up.

Love always,

Momma

After 7 Long Years...

We’re finally pregnant with our little rainbow! Because there will be tons of questions (most of them well-meaning), I’m writing this post to give you some more details about our journey, to whoever is interested.

Yes, Erik is 45 and I’m 35 and we began trying for a baby of our own 7 years ago. We’ve had so much unwanted advice thrown at us, again well-meaning, and we’ve always taken it in stride. After about 3 years, people stopped asking because I think they got the hint that it’s not really a great idea to keep bringing it up. Most of my close friends would still check in on me time to time and the story was always the same: yes, we’re still trying. No we aren’t doing fertility measures. Yes we still want babies. Yes it’s hard, but I’m not crying with every period that comes. Simply sighing and waiting for another month.

Fertility treatments: yeah, we considered them. It’s important to note that I FULLY SUPPORT a couple’s right to make use of the fantastic science that’s out there to help them conceive and keep their little beans alive in utero. Our decision to forego treatments was somewhat easy, because it’s just something I felt resolute in. I just knew it would happen naturally, if we were simply patient. And boy patience was hard after several years. About 3 years ago we visited Texas Fertility Center to take a look at our options. We declined Clomid, due to its side effects. We declined IUIs (intra-uterine insemination). They are about $600-$800 a pop and you have to get on mood-altering medications and the success rate is really low. And finally, we declined IVF (in-vitro fertilization). This procedure is incredibly expensive, it’s very difficult on the woman’s body and mind, it’s invasive to say the least, and though the success rate has pretty good odds, it’s not 100% for all of that havoc we would be putting ourselves through. About the only thing we would agree to do is a minor surgery to remove some mild endometriosis and polyps that could have been affecting our ability to conceive.

So in March 2015, I had a laparoscopy and a hysteroscopy to clean everything out down there, which again was mild. Before that, I had an HSG (hysterosalpingogram), which is diagnostic in nature and extremely painful. Erik held my hand through it and winced, as well as took care of me while recovering from my laparoscopy. Not much changed after that, but we went on with our lives. We were diagnosed with unexplained infertility as my body appeared to be able, by and large. And Erik’s numbers were good too, especially for his age.

In August of 2015, a miracle occurred. After throngs of negative tests over the years, I found out I was pregnant! I didn’t even think it possible that month, and almost missed it because I continued to bleed. In some cases, women do bleed during pregnancy so I kept hope alive even though I knew deep down that this pregnancy likely would not stick. My beta blood test showed that my numbers were really low (HsG and progesterone) and that’s not a good sign. I had a few mild pregnancy symptoms but bled little bits every day and slowly but surely miscarried. It wasn’t the painful, horrific miscarriage experiences that others have endured because it was slow and steady, but it was heart-wrenching to give up on our dream almost as soon as it seemed a distant possibility. I got a small tattoo to commemorate our loss, as a releasing of this journey to God. In the end, this pregnancy and miscarriage gave us hope that it was possible to conceive because I had never had a positive result in over four years of trying.

So what DID we do? We decided to prepare for a rainbow baby, which is a baby born after a loss...since a rainbow is a promise of hope after a storm. Even though we didn’t choose fertility measures, we began working on our bodies and minds: our physical wellness and mindsets. Over a period of about the last 3 years, we intentionally began edifying our lives in the following ways:

• We began cleaning up our diets. We eliminated processed foods and incorporated more veggies.
• We began cleaning up our personal care and cleaning supplies. We learned about endocrine disruptors in our soaps, deodorants, makeup, etc and we began replacing them with nontoxic alternatives from Young Living. Who knew that our bodies were being bombarded with hormone-like substances on the daily??
• I stopped going to western medicine doctors who were intent on putting bandaids on my symptoms with countless pharmaceuticals and their awful side effects. I visited a wellness doctor who got me introduced to acupuncture and quality supplementation. Acupuncture has been a godsend on many levels. I have kept this up pretty regularly for several years and I firmly believe in this practice.
• Which led to essential oils. We stopped relying on chemicals to help us remain above the wellness line and instead relied on nature’s living miracles to help us thrive and boost our immune systems. We threw out useless store-bought supplements and began replacing them with supplements that would actually assimilate into our bodies.
• Two major fertility-boosting oils we relied heavily on were Idaho Blue Spruce for Erik and Progessence Plus for me. Erik began using Idaho Blue Spruce to support his testosterone levels, which is key for all aspects of manhood. And about two years ago, I began using Progessence Plus twice daily to help bring hormonal harmony to my body.
• We worked on our mindsets. We began reading books by spiritual/mindset “gurus” and attended retreats and workshops to encourage expansion of consciousness and spirituality. We challenged each other to meditate daily and to live in the present moment.
• We cleaned up our friend/family connections. People who no longer resonated with us, naturally began to fall away. And we grew new friendships with people who vibed on a similar wavelength!
• I left an extremely stressful (yet rewarding) full-time career to find myself and my sanity again. The time and mindset freedom I received from that to this day remains invaluable.
• I learned about energy. And I met some people who helped me clear stagnant and negative energies hanging onto our home and my person, and I saw and felt a key difference. Oftentimes your physical ailments have an emotional/energetic root that can even date back generations.

It’s important to note that the belief that “stop trying/caring and you’ll get pregnant” is not a one-size-fits-all piece of advice. That didn’t work for us. It took us 3 years of transforming our lives and being patient with the process before the fruit of that labor resembled an embryo.

And then Monday, February 5th happened. I was supposed to start on the 3rd, but I’ve been known to be a day or two late. I had two glasses of wine on Super Bowl Sunday and bawled my eyes out at the This Is Us special episode that night. Monday came and my boobs were still very sore and still no period. I thought, um do I even have any pregnancy tests here at the house? I looked in the cabinet above the commode, and sure enough...one...little...test. I peed on it without even batting an eye. I’m so used to negatives that I left it in the bathroom and promptly forgot about it. About 20 minutes later, I remembered and went to check it and was flabbergasted. Clear as day: pregnant. Erik was working from home that day and I couldn’t keep the news from him even if I tried. My mouth was agape. He was ecstatic. I, however, was worried. How do I keep this one alive?? Would my numbers be horrific? Would they make me go on progesterone supplements? How do I make this one stick?!

I had my blood drawn that same day. The beta confirmed, yes pregnant. And YES. The numbers were more than good. Two days later the numbers were continuing to rise, like they do in a healthy pregnancy. Still, at advanced maternal age (which if you can believe it is 35+) miscarriages are more likely so Erik and I kept it under wraps except for our inner families and close friends. I quadrupled my use of Progessence Plus and began religiously taking my amazing YL supplements to make sure baby was getting everything he/she needed. I gave up wine and upped my quantity of folate-containing foods. We’ve already decided where we want to give birth, what kind of birth we want, and we are working on all the other specifics of our birth plan. We know everyone is going to have an opinion on EVERYTHING and we respectfully ask that you trust that Erik and I are striving to be well-informed and make decisions that are conducive to our philosophies and lifestyle choices.

Thank you for being a part of our journey, no matter how big or small. If you’ve been with us for the long-haul, we are indebted to your friendship and support. If you’re a new friend, I’m so happy to have you in our lives! I hope you’ll enjoy all of my posts from here on out. Fair warning: because I’ve waited 7 years for this, I’m going to post tons of bump pics and updates. I’ve stood by and watched others for years and I will be fully engaging in the revelry. So if you are the eye-rolling type, hide my profile now.

To those of you who still have motherhood dreams unfulfilled, I see you. I’m with you. Any pain that comes from seeing my online maternity celebration is fully understood, believe me. I will join with you in celebration when it’s finally your turn, whenever that day may be, whatever fertility measures you choose to take. Thank you all for taking the time to read a little bit about our journey, and stay tuned for updates as we keep you posted until our little pumpkin arrives in October! And of course, thereafter! :)

After 7 Long Years...

We’re finally pregnant with our little rainbow! Because there will be tons of questions (most of them well-meaning), I’m writing this post to give you some more details about our journey, to whoever is interested.

Yes, Erik is 45 and I’m 35 and we began trying for a baby of our own 7 years ago. We’ve had so much unwanted advice thrown at us, again well-meaning, and we’ve always taken it in stride. After about 3 years, people stopped asking because I think they got the hint that it’s not really a great idea to keep bringing it up. Most of my close friends would still check in on me time to time and the story was always the same: yes, we’re still trying. No we aren’t doing fertility measures. Yes we still want babies. Yes it’s hard, but I’m not crying with every period that comes. Simply sighing and waiting for another month.

Fertility treatments: yeah, we considered them. It’s important to note that I FULLY SUPPORT a couple’s right to make use of the fantastic science that’s out there to help them conceive and keep their little beans alive in utero. Our decision to forego treatments was somewhat easy, because it’s just something I felt resolute in. I just knew it would happen naturally, if we were simply patient. And boy patience was hard after several years. About 3 years ago we visited Texas Fertility Center to take a look at our options. We declined Clomid, due to its side effects. We declined IUIs (intra-uterine insemination). They are about $600-$800 a pop and you have to get on mood-altering medications and the success rate is really low. And finally, we declined IVF (in-vitro fertilization). This procedure is incredibly expensive, it’s very difficult on the woman’s body and mind, it’s invasive to say the least, and though the success rate has pretty good odds, it’s not 100% for all of that havoc we would be putting ourselves through. About the only thing we would agree to do is a minor surgery to remove some mild endometriosis and polyps that could have been affecting our ability to conceive.

So in March 2015, I had a laparoscopy and a hysteroscopy to clean everything out down there, which again was mild. Before that, I had an HSG (hysterosalpingogram), which is diagnostic in nature and extremely painful. Erik held my hand through it and winced, as well as took care of me while recovering from my laparoscopy. Not much changed after that, but we went on with our lives. We were diagnosed with unexplained infertility as my body appeared to be able, by and large. And Erik’s numbers were good too, especially for his age.

In August of 2015, a miracle occurred. After throngs of negative tests over the years, I found out I was pregnant! I didn’t even think it possible that month, and almost missed it because I continued to bleed. In some cases, women do bleed during pregnancy so I kept hope alive even though I knew deep down that this pregnancy likely would not stick. My beta blood test showed that my numbers were really low (HsG and progesterone) and that’s not a good sign. I had a few mild pregnancy symptoms but bled little bits every day and slowly but surely miscarried. It wasn’t the painful, horrific miscarriage experiences that others have endured because it was slow and steady, but it was heart-wrenching to give up on our dream almost as soon as it seemed a distant possibility. I got a small tattoo to commemorate our loss, as a releasing of this journey to God. In the end, this pregnancy and miscarriage gave us hope that it was possible to conceive because I had never had a positive result in over four years of trying.

So what DID we do? We decided to prepare for a rainbow baby, which is a baby born after a loss...since a rainbow is a promise of hope after a storm. Even though we didn’t choose fertility measures, we began working on our bodies and minds: our physical wellness and mindsets. Over a period of about the last 3 years, we intentionally began edifying our lives in the following ways:

• We began cleaning up our diets. We eliminated processed foods and incorporated more veggies.
• We began cleaning up our personal care and cleaning supplies. We learned about endocrine disruptors in our soaps, deodorants, makeup, etc and we began replacing them with nontoxic alternatives from Young Living. Who knew that our bodies were being bombarded with hormone-like substances on the daily??
• I stopped going to western medicine doctors who were intent on putting bandaids on my symptoms with countless pharmaceuticals and their awful side effects. I visited a wellness doctor who got me introduced to acupuncture and quality supplementation. Acupuncture has been a godsend on many levels. I have kept this up pretty regularly for several years and I firmly believe in this practice.
• Which led to essential oils. We stopped relying on chemicals to help us remain above the wellness line and instead relied on nature’s living miracles to help us thrive and boost our immune systems. We threw out useless store-bought supplements and began replacing them with supplements that would actually assimilate into our bodies.
• Two major fertility-boosting oils we relied heavily on were Idaho Blue Spruce for Erik and Progessence Plus for me. Erik began using Idaho Blue Spruce to support his testosterone levels, which is key for all aspects of manhood. And about two years ago, I began using Progessence Plus twice daily to help bring hormonal harmony to my body.
• We worked on our mindsets. We began reading books by spiritual/mindset “gurus” and attended retreats and workshops to encourage expansion of consciousness and spirituality. We challenged each other to meditate daily and to live in the present moment.
• We cleaned up our friend/family connections. People who no longer resonated with us, naturally began to fall away. And we grew new friendships with people who vibed on a similar wavelength!
• I left an extremely stressful (yet rewarding) full-time career to find myself and my sanity again. The time and mindset freedom I received from that to this day remains invaluable.
• I learned about energy. And I met some people who helped me clear stagnant and negative energies hanging onto our home and my person, and I saw and felt a key difference. Oftentimes your physical ailments have an emotional/energetic root that can even date back generations.

It’s important to note that the belief that “stop trying/caring and you’ll get pregnant” is not a one-size-fits-all piece of advice. That didn’t work for us. It took us 3 years of transforming our lives and being patient with the process before the fruit of that labor resembled an embryo.

And then Monday, February 5th happened. I was supposed to start on the 3rd, but I’ve been known to be a day or two late. I had two glasses of wine on Super Bowl Sunday and bawled my eyes out at the This Is Us special episode that night. Monday came and my boobs were still very sore and still no period. I thought, um do I even have any pregnancy tests here at the house? I looked in the cabinet above the commode, and sure enough...one...little...test. I peed on it without even batting an eye. I’m so used to negatives that I left it in the bathroom and promptly forgot about it. About 20 minutes later, I remembered and went to check it and was flabbergasted. Clear as day: pregnant. Erik was working from home that day and I couldn’t keep the news from him even if I tried. My mouth was agape. He was ecstatic. I, however, was worried. How do I keep this one alive?? Would my numbers be horrific? Would they make me go on progesterone supplements? How do I make this one stick?!

I had my blood drawn that same day. The beta confirmed, yes pregnant. And YES. The numbers were more than good. Two days later the numbers were continuing to rise, like they do in a healthy pregnancy. Still, at advanced maternal age (which if you can believe it is 35+) miscarriages are more likely so Erik and I kept it under wraps except for our inner families and close friends. I quadrupled my use of Progessence Plus and began religiously taking my amazing YL supplements to make sure baby was getting everything he/she needed. I gave up wine and upped my quantity of folate-containing foods. We’ve already decided where we want to give birth, what kind of birth we want, and we are working on all the other specifics of our birth plan. We know everyone is going to have an opinion on EVERYTHING and we respectfully ask that you trust that Erik and I are striving to be well-informed and make decisions that are conducive to our philosophies and lifestyle choices.

Thank you for being a part of our journey, no matter how big or small. If you’ve been with us for the long-haul, we are indebted to your friendship and support. If you’re a new friend, I’m so happy to have you in our lives! I hope you’ll enjoy all of my posts from here on out. Fair warning: because I’ve waited 7 years for this, I’m going to post tons of bump pics and updates. I’ve stood by and watched others for years and I will be fully engaging in the revelry. So if you are the eye-rolling type, hide my profile now.

To those of you who still have motherhood dreams unfulfilled, I see you. I’m with you. Any pain that comes from seeing my online maternity celebration is fully understood, believe me. I will join with you in celebration when it’s finally your turn, whenever that day may be, whatever fertility measures you choose to take. Thank you all for taking the time to read a little bit about our journey, and stay tuned for updates as we keep you posted until our little pumpkin arrives in October! And of course, thereafter! :)