In between two clubs. A sort of waiting room in between the two clubs, where access to both are readily available but I don't feel quite at home in either.
The Mom Club
I was kinda in this club for awhile, but never FULLY IN. I raised my daughter Alexis from 7 until she moved out at 17, but I never gave birth to her. I didn't carry her for 9 months. I didn't choose her name, see her on an ultrasound. She doesn't have my DNA. Still, I was her primary mother for a large part of her life. Ergo, I was in the mom club for about a decade, even though I felt I never truly belonged because there were things I simply didn't get. I often heard statements that started with the phrase "Oh just wait til you have one of your own" and it stung even though I knew people didn't mean anything by it. My lack of feeling like I fit into the Mom Club was caused largely by my own perspective. Like somehow I was less than. There were conversations I just listened in on...conversations about pregnancy nausea, horrible contractions, spit up, diaper blowouts, sleep loss, you name it.
And then I found out we were finally pregnant, and it's like I got this magical key to the real Mom's Club. Like finally I know what it feels like to be pregnant and God willing, experience childbirth, etc etc. It's so new and I'm still so newly pregnant that I'm not quite IN the club just yet. I'm at the entrance and there's a tiny part of me that is scared that this is all too good to be true.
The ChildFree Club
Not quite sure what to call this club, but this'll have to do. It's a club that I currently belong to of strong, beautiful women who have either chosen not to become moms or who have been empty-nesters for quite some time. They often go out on weeknights. They take spiritual journey travel trips. They actually spend money on themselves and their hobbies. They have time freedom and tons of energy. This is the club I've belonged to for at least the past two years since we've had no kids living with us. And even though I've missed having Alexis around, I've had a blast getting to know these women!
But here's the weird limbo part. It's like I already feel this strangely ever-so-slightly fading of my membership in this club. Like I'm beginning to grieve the natural changes that will come with entry to the Mom Club. What will my friendships look like? Will they understand how much I love them even when I'm not available nearly as often? Will I still get invited to events even though I may not be able to attend? When will I be able to enjoy rosé or champagne again?
Where do I fit in?
I'm not quite in the Mom's Club again/yet. And I'm not quite out of the Childfree Club just yet although I feel it slipping away. I found myself crying over it all today, remembering how I never fit in to the Mom's Club and loving my current club so dang much it hurts. Pregnancy hormones got me all jacked up. I think I'll do what I've trained myself to do over the past 3 years of this fertility journey. I'll just live in the moment. Allow myself to experience all of the emotions that come with the limbo. All the joy. All the sadness. All the confusion. All the peace.
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