My Why: This Child and Your Children

I never thought I would become an outspoken advocate for Vaccine Choice—that is, the awareness of the risks of vaccinating and fighting for the right to keep this decision within the family. I’m usually a keep-your-decisions-to-yourself kind of person, even though I might passionately disseminate wellness info that has worked well for my family...I’ve never been more afraid to speak up about my stance, even when it comes to politics—the most polarizing topic that exists, or so I thought. Nope, vaccination has politics beat. Among the many things ex-vaxxers (because rather than calling them anti, let’s call them what they really are: vaccinated adults who may have formerly vaccinated earlier kids) have been told: 

• You’re selfish people who endanger the lives of others.

• You’re uneducated.

• I hope your kids die.

It’s ugly, folks. The one I can’t stand more than any of them is surprisingly “you’re uneducated.” The “I hope your kids die” is simply just people lashing out in anger, and on some crazy level, I understand it—super fearful of contagious disease. The uneducated part irks me to no end. I’m a former teacher (science at that) who values continuous education, and I am constantly reading and researching. I have poured though credible online resources and listened to lectures led by doctors for hours and days on end. And I know enough about science to detect when it’s not clean—I.e. conducted or paid for by entities who have a conflict of interest, absence of a placebo, not double-blind, not a large enough sample size, not isolating the variable, not publishing results that disprove your hypothesis...the list goes on. It’s middle school science 101.

I have seen all of this in the studies that the CDC and FDA use to tout vaccines as irrefutably “safe and effective.” For crying out loud, the vaccine inserts don’t even say that. They are loaded with side effects and with warnings that they can even cause death. These are the same inserts that are never given to the patients by their doctors, so true informed consent is not happening.

All this to say, why have I decided to become an outspoken advocate for informed consent? Why? This is my why. This little boy.

Look into his eyes. He’s got the whole world in his eyes. The possibilities for his future are endless, and I want him to live his life free from long-term harm. I’ve said it a million times, no, vaccine injury isn’t certain. Just like contracting the disease isn’t certain. But the amount of heavy metals, neurotoxins, carcinogens, and human DNA in the mind-boggling amount of shots on the current vaccine schedule scares me. And that’s just what’s currently required; hundreds more are in the pipeline.

Until the powers that be:

1: Identify which genetic markers make some children more susceptible to injury than others

2: Perform double blind studies on vaccines against a true placebo 

3: Study the effects of multiple vaccines given together 

4: Make vaccines without toxic adjuvants 

5: Hold vaccine manufacturers liable in case of injury/death (which happens way more than people want to believe; see VAERS)

6: Begin handing out education, including the vaccine inserts, to patients before having them sign off on injections 

...until then, it’s going to be a hard pass for me. Now before you bring up herd immunity, let me ask you to look deeper into this concept. Hint: it was coined in the 1930s and applied to natural immunity (gained by contracting the illness) not vaccine “immunity” which at best, wanes over time. Even if I were to accept the misunderstood definition that 95% of the population being vaccinated protects the herd/those who cannot be vaccinated, do me a favor and look up the USS Fort McHenry. Hint: it’s a naval ship currently quarantined at sea containing a 100% recently vaccinated population of people....and they are in the middle of a mumps outbreak. Even if someone contracted it at port before the ship set sail, why is it continuing to spread??? HERD IMMUNITY IS A FARCE. 

To close, I mentioned my why. Not just my child, but yours too. My kid is important to me but so are yours and you aren’t being told the whole truth. The vaccine manufacturers have no incentive to make a safer product if we keep injecting the current ones into our kids without demanding safer ingredients and liability. Remember: the same FDA that says vaccines are safe is the same entity that has pulled dangerous drugs from the market—drugs that were once proven to be safe and effective. This is the same FDA that has ties to Monsanto who is still allowed to poison all of our crops. This is the same FDA that allows thousands of toxic ingredients to be used in the manufacturing of our personal care/cleaning products that countries in Europe won’t touch. 

Thank you for taking the time to read. Because I get hit up with counter points all the time before people have bothered to address my original points first, I’m going to respectfully ask that you first address my concerns before I begin addressing yours. Thank you for understanding. 

Let’s Have A Conversation About Vaccines

I would love to have a conversation with you about my views on vaccines. But first, would you do me the courtesy of answering the following 20 questions? This is to ensure we can have a productive dialogue on the subject. I wouldn’t ask you to do anything I haven’t already done! Feel free to skip questions 12 and 17 which are for levity purposes only. ;)

1. Name 5 vaccine ingredients other than the virus itself.
2. Name 5 possible adverse reactions to either the TDaP or MMR vaccine.
3. Please provide a link to the study that shows the effects of multiple vaccines on children? (Hint: you may get stuck on this one)
4. Have vaccines been tested on pregnant women?
5. What is VAERS?
6. Who pays for it?
7. How much money has it awarded since its founding?
8. What is an adjuvant?
9. What is thimerosal made of? Why was it removed from many vaccines? Which vaccine was it not removed from?
10. How many children have died from measles in the US since 2000?
11. How many die annually as a direct result of the MMR vaccine, as reported to VAERS?
12. How does Chuck Norris kill viruses with his bare hands?
13. What is shedding? Which vaccines shed?
14. How many Mcg of aluminum is deemed safe for an individual per the FDA by weight? 
15. How many mcg of aluminum are in vaccines?
16. What are the effects of aborted fetal cells being injected into the body of a different DNA?
17. Do they make a vaccine that makes you immune from spending money at Target? If so, I’mma need that one.
18. Do physicians receive financial bonuses for each vaccine they give? If so, how much? (Hint: look at Blue Cross Blue Shield)
19. Can vaccine manufacturers be held liable if a child gets sick or dies as a result of use of their product?
20. Does your doctor provide you with the package inserts from the vaccines including potential side effects? Do you recieved info/inserts for every other drug you are prescribed by the pharmacist before you are allowed to pick up your medicine?

If you run into any hardships finding these answers, let me know and I’m happy to help out. Should anyone resort to one-lined platitudes or name calling, the conversation is over. Thank you for honoring my request. I honor you and your choices. Now let’s talk.

This Is Me

I am real. And still a work in progress, for sure. But I am real. What you see is what you get. That’s why I put my stuff out for the world to see. My stances on muddy topics. Posts that require some vulnerability. My joy. My sadness. My pain. My pride.

I share about parenting. Natural lifestyle hacks. Essential oils. Animals. Marriage. Vaccines. Sometimes even politics and religion. I try super hard to be kind in my verbiage and to not tread upon those who have differing beliefs. My thumb has been trained to keep scrolling if I don’t like something, and if I’m engaged by someone who doesn’t like my stance on something, I strive to maintain a loving relationship through our dialogue. I firmly believe we are more alike than different—people. Humankind.

That being said, I won’t back down. It’s taken too long for me to be comfortable in my own skin and my decisions and to be quite public with them. Recently I was referred to as a self-righteous know-it-all. I was sad for a bit, not because of this person’s opinion of me, but because of my relationship to them. And I thought about it for awhile...meditated on it, and decided that I was a learn-it-all. Far from knowing it all, I love learning as much as I can, especially if it’s interesting to me. I devour articles, watch videos, listen to podcasts, and converse with my spouse constantly about things that are important to me. And then I go and share them because I figure maybe someone else might be interested too.

I recently purchased The Velveteen Rabbit for Jackson’s Easter basket. When I saw this quote, it resonated with me...where I’m at...36 years into my life. I’m in the process of “becoming”. More real. And it’s only ugly to people who don’t understand.

I think I’ll keep boldly being me. I’m not gonna be everyone’s cup of tea and that’s okay. Being real is more important to me than being liked by everyone, and trust me, if you truly know me, that’s a huge thing for me to say. I’ve become many things in life, but perhaps as important is what I’ve un-become: a people-pleaser. If you’re still reading, hopefully it means you love me just as I am, shabby and all.

Expect miracles. Those of us who have battled infertility know that that phrase is not to be spoken lightly. It’s almost a dangerous phrase. Because to expect miracles means that you have to expose your tender heart to hope for the nth time. Which also means you have to be willing to accept disappointment for the nth time. •••And yet nothing is more powerful than hope and belief.•••

What is the alternative? Living life as if nothing is rigged in your favor? As if miracles don’t happen to you? As if you never win anything? Nah. No matter how many times life has delivered sh*t to your door, you gotta be expecting better for tomorrow. In the words of the wise sage Joe Dirt, “You gotta keep on keepin’ on. Life’s a garden: dig it. You gotta make it work for you.”

One year ago today, I was 5.5 weeks pregnant—and partially terrified. Because the last time I had gotten a positive (2.5 years prior), my HcG and progesterone numbers were abysmal and I had a miscarriage. Dare I be excited? Dare I expect life to be rigged in my favor? Those of us who have lost know the feeling of nervously sitting in front of those kind phlebotomists. The way time seems to crawl when you’re waiting to hear back from your doctor about “the numbers.” Are they good? Have they continued to rise?

One year ago today I got these two printouts on which my doctor had scribbled one word: <<GOOD>>. Because of how I had been treating my body for two years (improved diet, eliminating toxic ingredients, using plant-based hormone-boosting oils, and mindset work), *this time* my numbers were excellent. I allowed myself to hope even deeper. Maybe life gives me exactly what I expect. Maybe life gives me a miracle.
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#infertilityawareness #fertility #rainbowbaby #progesterone #hcg #rumi #QOTD #thepowerofhope #thepowerofbelief #dontgiveup

Coming Out

Here goes everything. Writing and posting this publicly, I stand to lose:

• credibility/likability 

• followers

• perhaps even friendships and family members

So I’ve sat on this topic, in the closet, for many months now...wanting desperately to fully disclose, but fearing the consequences. I’ve decided the time has come—with all of the recent media-fueled hysteria, I refuse to stay silent...I make my living sharing about a holistic, and pharmaceutical-clean/lean lifestyle, so why would this be any different? Sure the stakes are higher as this topic is more controversial, but hey...y’all know me: I’m an open book with a big mouth intent on maybe...perhaps helping a few people improve their quality of life and that of their future generations. So here it goes:

* I have not given nor do I intend to give my child a single vaccination. *

Before you judge me...or decide to what level you should disown me...or stay away from my child...you should consider which is the likely scenario? That: 

(A) Two middle-aged, college-educated adults who tried for many, many years to have a baby finally get their wish and then selfishly and stupidly enter into a decision lightly that could put his life in danger, along with the lives of other children that we don’t give a rat’s a$$ about? Or

(B) That—charged with making the best health decisions for this new soul we were chosen to steward—we diligently weighed the pros and cons of vaccinations and after hours and weeks of digging into credible sources, tears, disbelief, and finally resolution, decided without a shred of doubt to decline all vaccinations for our child?

If you’re still reading, perhaps you’re teetering on believing B. If so, stick with me. You should know that our 20 year-old daughter is vaccinated and that we ourselves were both vaccinated as children. This is new territory for us. Perhaps you never considered NOT vaccinating because it saves lives right? Well it’s actually not so clear cut. I’ll lay out a few pertinent details in list form so that you may understand our journey that led us to this point.

• It started with me having a seed of doubt that I agonized and cried over as a newly pregnant woman. Erik was 100% FOR vaccines, and yet thankfully open to looking into it to allay my fears.

• Coincidentally, a family member shared a document with me that the doctor she works for gives all of their newly expecting patients. A list of all of the ingredients in the vaccines. Be forewarned: the rabbit hole is deep. https://cdn.fbsbx.com/v/t59.2708-21/25428948_10108525960698445_7957803324009349120_n.pdf/Vaccines.pdf?_nc_cat=108&_nc_ht=cdn.fbsbx.com&oh=1bb9739cc1b1b4fbdb76d18c9246b771&oe=5C5CC85E&dl=1

• Horrified, I went straight to the CDC website itself to read the vaccine inserts which, interestingly, are not provided to parents. What I discovered astounded me.

• More aluminum--a neurotoxin--than even the FDA considers safe is administered to children in these vaccines. Also many contain aborted fetal tissue so those who are pro-life AND pro-vaccine should look into this. Not to mention the countless other toxic ingredients.

• I was led to videos by two prominent previously pro-vax doctors. I watched their hour and a half presentations and was blown away at how they came to change their opinion on what used to be such a crucial part of their jobs, risking their reputation in the process. (Happy to share links to those videos)

• I began looking at statistics and learned that many of these diseases were sharply declining far before the vaccine had been introduced due to education and an increase in sanitation practices. And yet the vaccine usually gets credited. https://www.learntherisk.org/diseases/

• I learned about building natural immunity and how herd immunity doesn’t really “work” as many previous outbreaks happened in communities that have 90%+ vaccination rates. I also learned that the CDC considers a person “unvaccinated” if they are not up-to-date on the current 118 doses of “recommended” vaccines, which is the majority of the American public. So the media prints the cause of an outbreak as an unvaccinated individual when it is really due to an individual who simply isn’t current.

• I learned the only way to truly know your immunity to diseases is to have your titers drawn which virtually no one does. Because vaccines aren’t effective for life and many actually lose their effectiveness within 10-15 years, and as little as 1-3 years. I myself haven’t had a vaccine in probably two decades, and I’m willing to bet that many pro-vaxxers don’t realize that they are not protected as they believe themselves to be.

• There is a large community of individuals who have children/family members that have been vaccine injured. Some severely. Some have lost lives. I refused to watch the YouTube videos because I just couldn’t bear to. There is actually a department called VAERs that pays money to the families of vaccine-injured children—billions. The problem is that many do not receive compensation because they have been led to believe by doctors that it’s impossible that the injury is due to a vaccine (despite it sometimes being listed as a possible side effect on the vaccine insert which we do not see). 

• It should be noted that we read ZERO books by celebrities and watched ZERO one-sided documentaries in coming to our decision. We also chose not to feel guilty for vaccinating our 20 year-old daughter because at the time, we knew it to be best. 

• We looked at the statistics deeper than what is portrayed by media. Let’s take the tDaP for example, now pushed on pregnant women. The CDC website says that the vaccine is safe fo mothers and babies. and yet the insert says that the safety of this same vaccine has not been evaluated on pregnant women. Hmmm, and yet you want me to pass this untested cocktail onto my unborn fetus? Let's also consider the MMR vaccine that is currently being brandished in a fear-based way. The last reported death of someone by measles was in 2015. One death. The MMR vaccine however has led to over one hundred deaths (and that's just what is reported as due to the vaccine by VAERS), not to mention those that are hospitalized, injured, or adversely affected to various degrees.

• To put it succinctly, we evaluated the risks of the vaccines and the risks of contracting the illnesses they are supposed to protect us from and have decided not to vaccinate. We are 100% resolute in our decision. 

In conclusion, Erik and I love each and every one of you. If you choose to unfriend us for this, so be it. If you choose to have your child stay away from Jackson, it’s heartbreaking but we understand that you’re just doing what you feel is in the best interest of your babies. I get it. I would ask you, ***how much time have you truly invested into researching vaccines and vaccine injury?***

If the answer is none, that you just trust that diseases have been eradicated from them, I would challenge you to take a closer look.

If you have had a seed of doubt or if you do after reading this post, I’m happy to share studies, videos, websites, graphics, etc with you. I’ve collected a folder. 

If you’re a little pissed but still want to keep us around, I’m open to privately engaging in healthy, intelligent dialogue. All hateful comments on this post will immediately be removed; please PM me. Thank you for reading. Go forth and educate yourself. Anti-vaxxers aren’t uneducated jerks intent on killing innocent children.

Again, we love you and would love to keep as many of you in our lives as possible. That being said, I’d rather be hated for I am, than loved for who I’m not. So out of the closet I come! 

Baring It All About Birth

October 8th was such a whirlwind. I’ve finally had 8 weeks to process it and I’m ready to write about it and share it with y’all. Everything I read said you can make a birth “plan” but be flexible because anything can and does happen when it comes to childbirth. For me, it was really post-birth that didn’t go according to plan. But the rest of the experience proved to be more intense than I ever imagined! Here is my story...

Early on in my pregnancy, I did some research and decided adamantly against a routine hospital birth, unless in case of an emergency. I also decided that a home birth wasn’t what I wanted either because I didn’t want to give birth in an inflatable pool and I was nervous about complications arising. A birthing center was the perfect Goldilocks choice for me with its big beautiful birthing tub and it’s proximity to one of the best women’s hospitals across the street. 

I was almost positive I would go three days past my due date all pregnancy long. Call it a premonition but I never thought I’d go early. That is, until Jackson began dropping a couple of weeks before my due date and I began experience symptoms of what they call prodromal labor. I readied myself with oils, energy work, and by meeting with my backup doula because my hired doula was out of town. Sure enough, on the morning of October 8th (four days before my due date) I awoke with what I thought were contractions—not the period cramps I had been experiencing before. I began timing them on my app and sure enough, they were already 5-6 minutes apart.

What the?! My books, my pregnancy forums, and my childbirth classes all said to prepare for 3-12 hours of early labor. But now the contractions were pretty intense and almost 5 minutes apart?! I guess we kinda skipped early labor. So I texted Sally, my backup doula, and she was over at our house within the hour. Labor progressed way faster than I thought with me hearing a pop at 4 am (just two hours after I woke up) followed by water coming out in the toilet. And then all over the floor. After that, shit got real fast and I found myself on my way to the birth center where they could check my cervix and baby’s heart rate. Three centimeters dilated and 100% effaced. Heart rate good to go!

6 am. Contractions stronger and more painful now. They wanted me to walk down the stairs and around the birthing center. I told them I couldn’t. They gently cajoled me into it so my labor would progress even more and I took two very excruciating trips around the birthing center, pausing every 3-4 minutes to moan in pain. 

We made it back inside and they admitted me into the only birthing room I didn’t want to be in—the one without windows. I complained and they said they would clean one of the other two rooms once the women in there went home with their babies. The birth center doesn’t keep you more than 12 hours after you give birth. Around that time, I got super nauseated. I was sitting on the bed and I eyed a trash can in the bathroom. I calmly told Erik to grab it because I was going to throw up and I did. I lost everything I had in me. I hadn’t eaten much since labor started because I didn’t have much of an appetite. This would prove to be a horrible idea later on down the line.

I labored in the cave room in the garden tub, on a birthing ball in the shower, and on the bed. Everywhere I went, the contractions were excruciating—worse than any other period cramps I had experienced. I knew an epidural was not an option so I moaned and breathed rapidly through them. Eventually I got word that one of the other women left so they cleaned the room and transferred me to a room with big beautiful windows. It was lightly raining outside and I felt relieved to see nature through the glass. It was probably 10 am by that time I guess.

Noonish? Contractions were out of control intense. I went from the shower where Erik sprayed my back with hot water to the bed to the tub again. The warm waters of the deep garden tub were my happy place, still the water had nothing on the freight train contractions—spaced very close together at this point. Erik got in the tub with me and held me and spoke words of encouragement while my doula gave me cold water to drink and applied oils to me at my command. I used peppermint on a wet rag to cool me down, lavender on my chest to calm me, and Copaiba on my lower back to help with back labor. 

Eventually the nurse asked me to do some more walking and I said “I CAN’T!” At that point every minute or so I was in excruciating pain so walking seemed like a dumb idea. She got on my eye level and firmly looked at me saying, “you are right there. Walking will make him come faster.” I almost cried and slowly got up and forced myself to walk. Every other minute I was down on my knees with Erik holding my arms from above as a wave of muscle spasms took me down to the floor. The noises I made were guttural—primal. I can’t describe it. Animal.

I only walked down the hall and back before I was back on the bed, grabbing the pillow and yelling into it. At this point, I was exhausted. I had had nothing to eat in hours and they kept trying to feed me honey sticks to give me energy. My bladder was full from all of the cold water I kept demanding but my body wouldn’t void it. My throat was sore from yelling and my lips were dry from the breathing. (At this point you’re probably thinking a natural birth sounds like a wonderful idea aren’t you?!) I began wondering why I opted for it and thought twice about asking to go to the hospital but told myself not to let myself utter the words. This is what I wanted and by God I was gonna get it.

After hours of labor I finally felt the urge to push. This stage only went on for 45 minutes but it. Was. Intense. I ended up on an inflatable birthing stool with my legs shoved up against the midwife whose back was against the tub on the floor. I hardly had any physical energy left but the midwife, nurse, my doula, and Erik were all cheering me to push again...and telling me to bear down because I kept wanting to breathe, push, and scream from my chest. Finally when they said they could see his hair (and I finally understood what they mean by the ring of Fire) I gave one last humongous shove and out he came. Seriously. Once his head was out, his shoulders and the rest of his body slid out effortlessly. I was spent but elated. A part of me thought I wouldn’t be able to do it—give birth to this boy vaginally without an epidural. But I did it!

They placed him in my arms, Erik behind me, and I stared at this miracle child in disbelief. We held him and cried; it was so beautiful! I was assisted to the bed where I learned that he came so quickly in transition that I suffered 4th degree tears. After I had just finished pushing a baby out of my nether regions, they were gonna sew me up with nothing but lidocaine. In other words: UGH. It was as fun as it sounded. Erik got some skin to skin with Jackson while I was being doctored up, and I got some baby snuggles as well. 

Up until now, I got the birth I planned for except for the significant tearing. Now is where it’s not so gravy. Two problems came up. Because my blood sugar was so low and I had just been through birth on very little energy reserves, I became lightheaded and lethargic. The midwife decided to put give me a glucose IV because wasn’t looking too good. Erik took care of Jackson while I sipped soup and built up my blood sugar. 

#2, and the worst part: Jackson’s breathing was faster and more labored than the midwife liked to see. We stayed skin to skin with him for a few hours while they monitored him. Eventually, she decided that instead of sending us home, she would feel more comfortable if St. David’s NICU across the street took him in to monitor him overnight. So around 1:30 am we were wheelchaired to the hospital, exhausted and worried.

As it turned out, I had drank more water during labor than anyone the midwife or nurse had ever seen. Remember when I said I couldn’t void my bladder? When they catheterized me to drain my bladder, they couldn’t believe how much liquid came out. A full bladder blocks the birth canal and makes it difficult for a baby to navigate around and come out. So I shoved him out so quickly that he didn’t have time for the fluid to be forced out of his lungs resulting in rapid breathing called transient tachypnea. This led to a 5 day stay in the NiCu until we were finally released. 

So there ya have it. I got my natural birth...just some postpartum scares I hadn’t planned for (like you ever do!). If I’m blessed with another pregnancy, I will do two things differently during childbirth: EAT MORE FOOD before labor gets too bad, and DRINK LESS WATER. All in all, we made it. I’m proud of myself for what I endured and thankful for my birth team—especially my supportive husband. Thanks for reading! I hope this doesn’t scare you away from a natural birth, as it was a very beautiful and life changing experience! You live and you learn!

Waiting For a Rainbow: The Story of a Dream, Loss, Belief, and Determination

In many ways, I'm the little girl who never grew up. As a child, I was obsessed with Lisa Frank. Do y'all remember her stuff? She had a line of folders, binders, stickers, etc that were blindingly brightly colored and littered with puppies, kitties, unicorns, and rainbows. As a young lass, I was in awe of rainbows...I wanted rainbow everything. And rainbows in the sky? Well that was just the most magical thing in the world to me. I dreamt of pots of gold waiting just for me at the other end of these magnificent natural phenomena.

Flash forward about three decades and I'm still that little girl inside. In fact, I happen to believe that the little kid within us never truly leaves. Some of us are just better at hiding him or her. Well I don't hide her. I'm 35 years old and I love to dress what some others call "a tad young for my age". I have a unicorn tape dispenser in my office with rainbow colored tape. Glitter is my middle name and I still believe that allowing yourself to sparkle on the outside gives other people the courage to do the same.

A lot of people don't know this, but the baby in my belly is a sheer miracle almost eight years in the making. His nickname is Rainbow Jack, which is short for Jackson and there are quite a few rainbows in his nursery already. Why? Well because he's what's known (albeit not quite commonly yet) as a rainbow baby. A rainbow baby is a baby born after a loss, a miscarriage, or a difficult journey with infertility. They are symbols of hope for a rainbow after a storm, or a promise of sunshine after the darker parts of life. Allow me to share with you four seasons--or life themes, if you will--that I believe we ALL encounter that build strength and character. And it's these seasons and traits that can lead to all sorts of colorful rainbows of your making if you just have enough patience and grit.

#1 You Must Have a Dream 

This seems self-explanatory. I mean, we all have dreams right? No, I mean you need at least one big dream for yourself that you TRULY believe is all yours. That you're destined to live it. A dream that you are adamant will not stay a dream, but will become a reality no matter how hard it is or how long it takes. 

My dream? When I married Erik, I inherited an instant-family. He was a single daddy raising two young kiddos, a step-son from his first marriage who was 11 and Alexis who was 7 by the time I married into the family. He was such a wonderful father to those kids, I couldn't wait to create life with him. Little did I know how difficult a task that would prove to be. When we finally began trying about five years into our marriage, I always dreamed I would have two babies--a boy and a girl. We discussed what we would name our babies. I began to envision myself as a mom to babies, even though I was already getting plenty of practice as a mom to two young children that I didn't birth. 

Imagine your dream as a reality. Make vision boards. Journal about it. Keep doing it, because sometimes it takes years to come to fruition, such as was the case for us. After four and a half years of negative pregnancy tests and painful periods, doubt began to creep in. Lesson here: you will most certainly doubt the feasibility of your dreams at some point. Until one day, you may find yourself there.

Seemingly out of nowhere, in August of 2015 I found out that I was pregnant! Finally a positive test! Soooo... why, then, was I bleeding?

#2 You May Experience Setbacks

Or a loss. The path to your big, wonderful, delicious dream is most likely not linear and clean. It's probably a quite a bit messy. Fraught with detours and roadblocks and NOs and again, more self-doubt. This is the character-building phase. The patience-testing part. It's not fun, but it's actually quite integral to the process. 

My setback? Miscarriage. It's a word that women don't like to talk about, although I've since learned it's alarmingly common. After waiting four and a half years for that positive pregnancy test, I thought, this is it! It didn't take long for me to learn that...welllll, maybe not exactly. I was bleeding slowly every day. Getting blood drawn every other day was proving what the back of my mind knew to be true...my hormone levels were not high enough to sustain the pregnancy. Even after the fertility doctor put me on progesterone, my hormone numbers continued to drop. What little glimmer of hope I had was slowly fading to a quiet darkness.

Listen up y'all. When you have dreams, sometimes it may look like they are finally coming to fruition and then something bad happens. It doesn't mean that you need to stop pursuing them. Maybe it does mean that you take a break from it for awhile, or reevaluate your process. Maybe you take awhile to grieve a significant setback. It will be different for everyone. For me, I grieved for a little bit. I decided to get a tattoo of a bird taking off on my wrist as a symbol of letting go of control and sadness and moving on. The way I saw it, I could either wallow in misery and have four more years of "why me" and "it's not fair" or I could change my mindset and allow myself to 

#3 Press Into More Hope and BELIEVE

There is perhaps nothing more powerful than BELIEF. There is science that shows how when we change our thoughts, we actually affect change in our circumstances. Whole books have been written about it, and they are best-sellers. Guided meditations have been created as a way to influence our thoughts, subconscious patterns, and therefore our outer realities. I recommend looking into all of this!

I could've looked at this miscarriage as a sign that maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe I was wrong about my dream...maybe I should just do all of the fertility measures that everyone has been harping on me to do. Maybe I should adopt even though my heart isn't in it yet. Maybe I should just give up on this dream of being a mother to my own children. 

Instead, I decided NO. I will not give up. In fact, I will see this heartbreaking experience as something good. I chose to look at it as a victory. For once we had actually conceived! No, it wasn't the ideal conception and it appeared to be doomed from the start. But we GOT PREGNANT. I saw it as a sign that pregnancy was a possibility for us. If my body had done it once, we could do it again. And this time, we would prepare better than we had before.

Lesson? Keep believing in your dreams. If they are truly worth it to you, step up and own your birthright. But is that all you need? No, a dream and belief alone are not enough. You need

#4 Determination, Grit, & Manageable Steps in That Direction

Dreams without follow through stay dreams. Yes keep the overall forest in your field of view, but take a look at the trees, for the trees will get you there. Chunk your big, scary goal into mini goals. Take manageable steps in the right direction. One of my favorite sayings is "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." 

Erik and I decided after that miscarriage to make some changes in our lifestyle. We had already began using essential oils, but we began researching on how to use them to support our bodies hormonal balance. I used oils to boost my progesterone and he used oils to boost his testosterone. We started eating healthier and eliminated most processed foods, while working on our gut health using probiotics and food enzymes. We kicked the nasty chemical-laden cleaners and personal care items to the curb and began using plant-based products. We continued to work on meditation and mindset and filled our heads with more of what we wanted to see in our worlds. In short, we went to work manifesting health and wellness by making our bodies and minds an inviting place for a child to thrive.

And sure enough, without a single fertility drug or Petri dish, we were again with child. And THIS time, my hormone numbers were excellent. This time, we knew that this pregnancy was here to stay. This baby, the one following a loss, is called a rainbow baby. And his name is Jackson Douglas. This baby will paint our lives with colors that have yet to be discovered. This baby is our dream come true, almost eight years in the making.

I know you have dreams for yourself. Perhaps even outrageous ones. You've no doubt spent time visualizing them and seeing yourself victorious. You may even have experienced one or more setbacks or detours. I pray that you have continued to hope and believe that the world deserves to see you living out your dreams. And no doubt you have the wisdom to know that you must walk a little more towards your dreams everyday, step by step by step. Keep all of this up and you'll get your rainbow. 

As Judy Garland so beautifully sang, "Somewhere over the rainbow, dreams really do come true."