Look, I Didn't Want To Believe This Either

Vulnerability is IN. Seriously. It’s the newest buzz word, and we can all thank Brené Brown for that. Her TED talk has launched her into stardom, and now decades of her research is making an impact in the hearts and lives of all who dare go there. In short:

Courage is the precursor to vulnerability and vulnerability is the precursor to connection. And we ALL need human connection. 

Courage and vulnerability. These attributes resonate with me greatly and contrary to what many believe social media platforms are for (baby pics, animal videos, restaurant suggestions, etc.) I also choose to use mine to do hard things. 

Lately the hardest thing that has been requiring bravery and vulnerability for me to do, is to share some unpopular information about vaccination. In doing so, it’s been insinuated that I:

1) Am endangering the life of my son
2) Am cold and uncaring towards the immunocompromised 
3) Am selfishly going against the greater good of herd immunity 
4) Am anti-science 
5) Am cherry picking my stats and am falling victim to anti-vax propaganda 
6) Am spreading dangerous falsehoods

My old self, the me of five or six years ago, the people pleaser would have shied away from discussing this any further. In fact, I’ve been warned by some about the ugliness of this topic and that it’s best to keep your choices private. However a bill has been introduced at the federal level which essentially forces mandatory vaccines on all vaccine-capable children (if you want access to, you know, a driver’s license or a passport, or for your child to receive a free and appropriate education that your tax dollars are already paying for) and it’s about to get uglier before it gets better. **Those of you who are for all vaccines except the flu shot (which still harbors the mercury-containing Thimerasol) and the extremely controversial HPV shot, please know that the CDC schedule that you are supporting we mandate INCLUDES those and you will not be able to pick and choose which vaccines to opt out of.** Presidential race 2020 is coming up and almost all democratic candidates are FOR this, which scares the sh*t out of me. The time for keeping my mouth shut has expired; I refuse to quietly slink into a hole and take this lying down.

Cue courage. It takes courage to speak out against this when the majority think I should be a good girl and “vaccinate my crotch goblin” (a phrase that comes across my FB newsfeed more times than I would like to admit), lest he become a plague-carrying menace to society, eventually leading to the obliteration of the entire population. Never mind that 0.00001% of adults I know are 100% up to date on today’s robust childhood vaccination schedule, and that the large majority of vaccines are only designed to protect the injected individual as opposed to the masses, and that a side effect of many vaccines IS the illness itself (anyone ever get the flu right after getting a flu shot?). Side note: ever wonder why we don't fear the other thousands of diseases for which there are no vaccine for?

I hear so many well intentioned people parroting phrases that they have heard over and over again and believe to be true. Phrases such as “measles is deadly and was eradicated”, “vaccines are proven to be safe and effective”, “vaccinate for the greater good of herd immunity”, “we have to protect our most vulnerable”, and “the science is settled.” But have you ever stopped to look into the truthfulness of these popular statements? Have you?? If you’re still with me, let’s dig in. 

“Measles is deadly and was eradicated.” No. It’s. No. Longer. Deadly. And. It. Has. Never. Been. Eradicated. Measles used to be a common childhood illness like the chickenpox. It has not killed someone in the US since 2003, and even then that was one individual, likely with some other health issues going on. In third world countries where there are significant nutritional and vitamin deficiencies, as well as limited access to clean water and sanitary living conditions, yes. The media advertises the stats from third world countries to us in the US. Measles was “declared” eradicated in 2000 but it never was. It’s a cyclical disease with cases every year; some years have more cases, some have less. This is a year with many more cases which has led to a mass paranoia fueled by the media. They are quick to blame the unvaccinated when the vaccinated are also spreading it as well. You know why you never hear about the updates on all of these cases? Because it doesn’t sell. NOTHING HAPPENS. They get well again and don’t die and get a bonus of lifetime immunity. That doesn’t engage viewers.

“Vaccines are proven to be safe and effective.” Where? Which studies? Are the studies bought and paid for by the very organizations that stand to benefit from the results of these studies (big pHARMa)? *Hint: the CDC owns dozens of vaccine patents. Conflict of interest, much??* You think just because vaccines have passed inspection by the FDA that they are safe? What about all of the drugs that have been recalled? Look into Vioxx (which incidentally looks a lot like vaxxed). It killed a lot of people. Merck knew about it. They covered up what they knew. Eventually they were found out and sued. Oh yeah, and Merck makes the very vaccines that we shoot into our children. What about the fact that Monsanto knew that Round Up causes cancer and tried to cover it up for decades and was finally successfully sued for 2 Billion dollars? The same FDA that approved that? The same FDA the continues to allow it to be sold on grocery store shelves today?

“Vaccinate for the greater good of herd immunity.” Oh for the love of Pete. This is the fattest lie propagated by the media and politicians to ensure compliance. Four reasons why we can never achieve herd immunity: (1) Vaccines can and do fail (2) Vaccines made with live viruses can shed and infect others while the host remains an asymptomatic carrier (3) Vaccine immunity wanes over time, often sooner than you would think and (4) The percentage of adults who are up to date is estimated to be under 20%. Herd immunity is a fallacy. How else do you explain the USS Fort McHenry—a naval warship with over 700 military members, with a 100% vaccination rate? And yet, despite a rigorous quarantine protocol, they had a mumps outbreak. How does that happen if everyone has been vaccinated and herd immunity works? 

“We have to protect our most vulnerable.” Let’s talk about pregnant women, who are now being strongly coerced into getting the flu shot and the tDap. It’s all over the walls of OB practices and on the CDC website that it’s safe and effective for pregnant women to receive these shots and yet it says right on the inserts of the vaccines themselves “Safety and effectiveness of X vaccine has not been established in pregnant women.” We (the US) have the #1 infant mortality rate on first day of life and first year of life of any developed country BY FAR. The infant mortality rate is 5.82 per 1000 births in the US and only 1.9 per 1000 for Japan. Guess which country does not vaccinate under two years of age, recommends less vaccines overall, and has the lowest SIDS rate? Guess which country vaccinates their children more than any other country in the world? Something is not adding up.

And finally, “the science is settled.” Nothing is ever settled with science, which is constantly evolving. The more you know, the better you do. Smoking while pregnant used to be a common practice and even prescribed by doctors to help with constipation. DDT used to be sprayed directly onto kids. Cocaine used to be an allowable ingredient. Allowable levels of mercury and lead used to be through the roof. I guarantee you, in a few years (and sooner than you think because the pro-informed-consent movement is strongly growing and demanding reform), things will come to light that will change the current narrative that our current solution is safe and effective for ALL. 

So before you tell me, “Michelle, why don’t you just be a good girl and do what you’re told?” hear this: I spent three decades of my life doing that. I spent thousands of dollars for most of my adult life just to continue to feel sick, tired, and to remain infertile for seven years before I began making significant changes to my healthcare choices. You know what? No thanks. I think I’ll question everything I’ve been told, and the more deeply ingrained and pervasive the message, the more I’ll question it. 

California has passed Orwellian bills, all voted for my Democrats. Why is it “my body my choice” but not for vaccines? Why is it “believe her” but not when she’s saying she took a healthy kid in for a well visit and everything changed after those shots? You think it’s going to stop at children and public schools? Next it’s going to be grocery stores, parks, and churches. Then it’s going to be adult schedules too. There are hundreds of additional proposed vaccines in the pipeline. If we give away this power to government mandates, we all lose. My dear democrat friends, please pay attention. Republicans too. We need to unite on this. Come to think of it, we need to put aside our differences and attempt to unite on everything.

Look. I didn’t want to believe this either. I went into this thinking that I would find out that vaccines weren't perfect but that their benefits would outweigh rare costs. Tears were shed over what I found out. I’ve lost “friends” over this. I have recieved heaps of judgment over this. It’s okay. Now is the time for bravery and speaking out, no matter how unpopular the message may be. If even one person begins thinking about mandatory vaccination in a different light due to this post, it’s worth it.

Me and my son posing with Robert F Kennedy Jr, champion for children's health and vaccine choice

My Why: This Child and Your Children

I never thought I would become an outspoken advocate for Vaccine Choice—that is, the awareness of the risks of vaccinating and fighting for the right to keep this decision within the family. I’m usually a keep-your-decisions-to-yourself kind of person, even though I might passionately disseminate wellness info that has worked well for my family...I’ve never been more afraid to speak up about my stance, even when it comes to politics—the most polarizing topic that exists, or so I thought. Nope, vaccination has politics beat. Among the many things ex-vaxxers (because rather than calling them anti, let’s call them what they really are: vaccinated adults who may have formerly vaccinated earlier kids) have been told: 

• You’re selfish people who endanger the lives of others.

• You’re uneducated.

• I hope your kids die.

It’s ugly, folks. The one I can’t stand more than any of them is surprisingly “you’re uneducated.” The “I hope your kids die” is simply just people lashing out in anger, and on some crazy level, I understand it—super fearful of contagious disease. The uneducated part irks me to no end. I’m a former teacher (science at that) who values continuous education, and I am constantly reading and researching. I have poured though credible online resources and listened to lectures led by doctors for hours and days on end. And I know enough about science to detect when it’s not clean—I.e. conducted or paid for by entities who have a conflict of interest, absence of a placebo, not double-blind, not a large enough sample size, not isolating the variable, not publishing results that disprove your hypothesis...the list goes on. It’s middle school science 101.

I have seen all of this in the studies that the CDC and FDA use to tout vaccines as irrefutably “safe and effective.” For crying out loud, the vaccine inserts don’t even say that. They are loaded with side effects and with warnings that they can even cause death. These are the same inserts that are never given to the patients by their doctors, so true informed consent is not happening.

All this to say, why have I decided to become an outspoken advocate for informed consent? Why? This is my why. This little boy.

Look into his eyes. He’s got the whole world in his eyes. The possibilities for his future are endless, and I want him to live his life free from long-term harm. I’ve said it a million times, no, vaccine injury isn’t certain. Just like contracting the disease isn’t certain. But the amount of heavy metals, neurotoxins, carcinogens, and human DNA in the mind-boggling amount of shots on the current vaccine schedule scares me. And that’s just what’s currently required; hundreds more are in the pipeline.

Until the powers that be:

1: Identify which genetic markers make some children more susceptible to injury than others

2: Perform double blind studies on vaccines against a true placebo 

3: Study the effects of multiple vaccines given together 

4: Make vaccines without toxic adjuvants 

5: Hold vaccine manufacturers liable in case of injury/death (which happens way more than people want to believe; see VAERS)

6: Begin handing out education, including the vaccine inserts, to patients before having them sign off on injections 

...until then, it’s going to be a hard pass for me. Now before you bring up herd immunity, let me ask you to look deeper into this concept. Hint: it was coined in the 1930s and applied to natural immunity (gained by contracting the illness) not vaccine “immunity” which at best, wanes over time. Even if I were to accept the misunderstood definition that 95% of the population being vaccinated protects the herd/those who cannot be vaccinated, do me a favor and look up the USS Fort McHenry. Hint: it’s a naval ship currently quarantined at sea containing a 100% recently vaccinated population of people....and they are in the middle of a mumps outbreak. Even if someone contracted it at port before the ship set sail, why is it continuing to spread??? HERD IMMUNITY IS A FARCE. 

To close, I mentioned my why. Not just my child, but yours too. My kid is important to me but so are yours and you aren’t being told the whole truth. The vaccine manufacturers have no incentive to make a safer product if we keep injecting the current ones into our kids without demanding safer ingredients and liability. Remember: the same FDA that says vaccines are safe is the same entity that has pulled dangerous drugs from the market—drugs that were once proven to be safe and effective. This is the same FDA that has ties to Monsanto who is still allowed to poison all of our crops. This is the same FDA that allows thousands of toxic ingredients to be used in the manufacturing of our personal care/cleaning products that countries in Europe won’t touch. 

Thank you for taking the time to read. Because I get hit up with counter points all the time before people have bothered to address my original points first, I’m going to respectfully ask that you first address my concerns before I begin addressing yours. Thank you for understanding. 

Let’s Have A Conversation About Vaccines

I would love to have a conversation with you about my views on vaccines. But first, would you do me the courtesy of answering the following 20 questions? This is to ensure we can have a productive dialogue on the subject. I wouldn’t ask you to do anything I haven’t already done! Feel free to skip questions 12 and 17 which are for levity purposes only. ;)

1. Name 5 vaccine ingredients other than the virus itself.
2. Name 5 possible adverse reactions to either the TDaP or MMR vaccine.
3. Please provide a link to the study that shows the effects of multiple vaccines on children? (Hint: you may get stuck on this one)
4. Have vaccines been tested on pregnant women?
5. What is VAERS?
6. Who pays for it?
7. How much money has it awarded since its founding?
8. What is an adjuvant?
9. What is thimerosal made of? Why was it removed from many vaccines? Which vaccine was it not removed from?
10. How many children have died from measles in the US since 2000?
11. How many die annually as a direct result of the MMR vaccine, as reported to VAERS?
12. How does Chuck Norris kill viruses with his bare hands?
13. What is shedding? Which vaccines shed?
14. How many Mcg of aluminum is deemed safe for an individual per the FDA by weight? 
15. How many mcg of aluminum are in vaccines?
16. What are the effects of aborted fetal cells being injected into the body of a different DNA?
17. Do they make a vaccine that makes you immune from spending money at Target? If so, I’mma need that one.
18. Do physicians receive financial bonuses for each vaccine they give? If so, how much? (Hint: look at Blue Cross Blue Shield)
19. Can vaccine manufacturers be held liable if a child gets sick or dies as a result of use of their product?
20. Does your doctor provide you with the package inserts from the vaccines including potential side effects? Do you recieved info/inserts for every other drug you are prescribed by the pharmacist before you are allowed to pick up your medicine?

If you run into any hardships finding these answers, let me know and I’m happy to help out. Should anyone resort to one-lined platitudes or name calling, the conversation is over. Thank you for honoring my request. I honor you and your choices. Now let’s talk.

This Is Me

I am real. And still a work in progress, for sure. But I am real. What you see is what you get. That’s why I put my stuff out for the world to see. My stances on muddy topics. Posts that require some vulnerability. My joy. My sadness. My pain. My pride.

I share about parenting. Natural lifestyle hacks. Essential oils. Animals. Marriage. Vaccines. Sometimes even politics and religion. I try super hard to be kind in my verbiage and to not tread upon those who have differing beliefs. My thumb has been trained to keep scrolling if I don’t like something, and if I’m engaged by someone who doesn’t like my stance on something, I strive to maintain a loving relationship through our dialogue. I firmly believe we are more alike than different—people. Humankind.

That being said, I won’t back down. It’s taken too long for me to be comfortable in my own skin and my decisions and to be quite public with them. Recently I was referred to as a self-righteous know-it-all. I was sad for a bit, not because of this person’s opinion of me, but because of my relationship to them. And I thought about it for awhile...meditated on it, and decided that I was a learn-it-all. Far from knowing it all, I love learning as much as I can, especially if it’s interesting to me. I devour articles, watch videos, listen to podcasts, and converse with my spouse constantly about things that are important to me. And then I go and share them because I figure maybe someone else might be interested too.

I recently purchased The Velveteen Rabbit for Jackson’s Easter basket. When I saw this quote, it resonated with me...where I’m at...36 years into my life. I’m in the process of “becoming”. More real. And it’s only ugly to people who don’t understand.

I think I’ll keep boldly being me. I’m not gonna be everyone’s cup of tea and that’s okay. Being real is more important to me than being liked by everyone, and trust me, if you truly know me, that’s a huge thing for me to say. I’ve become many things in life, but perhaps as important is what I’ve un-become: a people-pleaser. If you’re still reading, hopefully it means you love me just as I am, shabby and all.

Expect miracles. Those of us who have battled infertility know that that phrase is not to be spoken lightly. It’s almost a dangerous phrase. Because to expect miracles means that you have to expose your tender heart to hope for the nth time. Which also means you have to be willing to accept disappointment for the nth time. •••And yet nothing is more powerful than hope and belief.•••

What is the alternative? Living life as if nothing is rigged in your favor? As if miracles don’t happen to you? As if you never win anything? Nah. No matter how many times life has delivered sh*t to your door, you gotta be expecting better for tomorrow. In the words of the wise sage Joe Dirt, “You gotta keep on keepin’ on. Life’s a garden: dig it. You gotta make it work for you.”

One year ago today, I was 5.5 weeks pregnant—and partially terrified. Because the last time I had gotten a positive (2.5 years prior), my HcG and progesterone numbers were abysmal and I had a miscarriage. Dare I be excited? Dare I expect life to be rigged in my favor? Those of us who have lost know the feeling of nervously sitting in front of those kind phlebotomists. The way time seems to crawl when you’re waiting to hear back from your doctor about “the numbers.” Are they good? Have they continued to rise?

One year ago today I got these two printouts on which my doctor had scribbled one word: <<GOOD>>. Because of how I had been treating my body for two years (improved diet, eliminating toxic ingredients, using plant-based hormone-boosting oils, and mindset work), *this time* my numbers were excellent. I allowed myself to hope even deeper. Maybe life gives me exactly what I expect. Maybe life gives me a miracle.
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#infertilityawareness #fertility #rainbowbaby #progesterone #hcg #rumi #QOTD #thepowerofhope #thepowerofbelief #dontgiveup

Coming Out

Here goes everything. Writing and posting this publicly, I stand to lose:

• credibility/likability 

• followers

• perhaps even friendships and family members

So I’ve sat on this topic, in the closet, for many months now...wanting desperately to fully disclose, but fearing the consequences. I’ve decided the time has come—with all of the recent media-fueled hysteria, I refuse to stay silent...I make my living sharing about a holistic, and pharmaceutical-clean/lean lifestyle, so why would this be any different? Sure the stakes are higher as this topic is more controversial, but hey...y’all know me: I’m an open book with a big mouth intent on maybe...perhaps helping a few people improve their quality of life and that of their future generations. So here it goes:

* I have not given nor do I intend to give my child a single vaccination. *

Before you judge me...or decide to what level you should disown me...or stay away from my child...you should consider which is the likely scenario? That: 

(A) Two middle-aged, college-educated adults who tried for many, many years to have a baby finally get their wish and then selfishly and stupidly enter into a decision lightly that could put his life in danger, along with the lives of other children that we don’t give a rat’s a$$ about? Or

(B) That—charged with making the best health decisions for this new soul we were chosen to steward—we diligently weighed the pros and cons of vaccinations and after hours and weeks of digging into credible sources, tears, disbelief, and finally resolution, decided without a shred of doubt to decline all vaccinations for our child?

If you’re still reading, perhaps you’re teetering on believing B. If so, stick with me. You should know that our 20 year-old daughter is vaccinated and that we ourselves were both vaccinated as children. This is new territory for us. Perhaps you never considered NOT vaccinating because it saves lives right? Well it’s actually not so clear cut. I’ll lay out a few pertinent details in list form so that you may understand our journey that led us to this point.

• It started with me having a seed of doubt that I agonized and cried over as a newly pregnant woman. Erik was 100% FOR vaccines, and yet thankfully open to looking into it to allay my fears.

• Coincidentally, a family member shared a document with me that the doctor she works for gives all of their newly expecting patients. A list of all of the ingredients in the vaccines. Be forewarned: the rabbit hole is deep. https://cdn.fbsbx.com/v/t59.2708-21/25428948_10108525960698445_7957803324009349120_n.pdf/Vaccines.pdf?_nc_cat=108&_nc_ht=cdn.fbsbx.com&oh=1bb9739cc1b1b4fbdb76d18c9246b771&oe=5C5CC85E&dl=1

• Horrified, I went straight to the CDC website itself to read the vaccine inserts which, interestingly, are not provided to parents. What I discovered astounded me.

• More aluminum--a neurotoxin--than even the FDA considers safe is administered to children in these vaccines. Also many contain aborted fetal tissue so those who are pro-life AND pro-vaccine should look into this. Not to mention the countless other toxic ingredients.

• I was led to videos by two prominent previously pro-vax doctors. I watched their hour and a half presentations and was blown away at how they came to change their opinion on what used to be such a crucial part of their jobs, risking their reputation in the process. (Happy to share links to those videos)

• I began looking at statistics and learned that many of these diseases were sharply declining far before the vaccine had been introduced due to education and an increase in sanitation practices. And yet the vaccine usually gets credited. https://www.learntherisk.org/diseases/

• I learned about building natural immunity and how herd immunity doesn’t really “work” as many previous outbreaks happened in communities that have 90%+ vaccination rates. I also learned that the CDC considers a person “unvaccinated” if they are not up-to-date on the current 118 doses of “recommended” vaccines, which is the majority of the American public. So the media prints the cause of an outbreak as an unvaccinated individual when it is really due to an individual who simply isn’t current.

• I learned the only way to truly know your immunity to diseases is to have your titers drawn which virtually no one does. Because vaccines aren’t effective for life and many actually lose their effectiveness within 10-15 years, and as little as 1-3 years. I myself haven’t had a vaccine in probably two decades, and I’m willing to bet that many pro-vaxxers don’t realize that they are not protected as they believe themselves to be.

• There is a large community of individuals who have children/family members that have been vaccine injured. Some severely. Some have lost lives. I refused to watch the YouTube videos because I just couldn’t bear to. There is actually a department called VAERs that pays money to the families of vaccine-injured children—billions. The problem is that many do not receive compensation because they have been led to believe by doctors that it’s impossible that the injury is due to a vaccine (despite it sometimes being listed as a possible side effect on the vaccine insert which we do not see). 

• It should be noted that we read ZERO books by celebrities and watched ZERO one-sided documentaries in coming to our decision. We also chose not to feel guilty for vaccinating our 20 year-old daughter because at the time, we knew it to be best. 

• We looked at the statistics deeper than what is portrayed by media. Let’s take the tDaP for example, now pushed on pregnant women. The CDC website says that the vaccine is safe fo mothers and babies. and yet the insert says that the safety of this same vaccine has not been evaluated on pregnant women. Hmmm, and yet you want me to pass this untested cocktail onto my unborn fetus? Let's also consider the MMR vaccine that is currently being brandished in a fear-based way. The last reported death of someone by measles was in 2015. One death. The MMR vaccine however has led to over one hundred deaths (and that's just what is reported as due to the vaccine by VAERS), not to mention those that are hospitalized, injured, or adversely affected to various degrees.

• To put it succinctly, we evaluated the risks of the vaccines and the risks of contracting the illnesses they are supposed to protect us from and have decided not to vaccinate. We are 100% resolute in our decision. 

In conclusion, Erik and I love each and every one of you. If you choose to unfriend us for this, so be it. If you choose to have your child stay away from Jackson, it’s heartbreaking but we understand that you’re just doing what you feel is in the best interest of your babies. I get it. I would ask you, ***how much time have you truly invested into researching vaccines and vaccine injury?***

If the answer is none, that you just trust that diseases have been eradicated from them, I would challenge you to take a closer look.

If you have had a seed of doubt or if you do after reading this post, I’m happy to share studies, videos, websites, graphics, etc with you. I’ve collected a folder. 

If you’re a little pissed but still want to keep us around, I’m open to privately engaging in healthy, intelligent dialogue. All hateful comments on this post will immediately be removed; please PM me. Thank you for reading. Go forth and educate yourself. Anti-vaxxers aren’t uneducated jerks intent on killing innocent children.

Again, we love you and would love to keep as many of you in our lives as possible. That being said, I’d rather be hated for I am, than loved for who I’m not. So out of the closet I come! 

Baring It All About Birth

October 8th was such a whirlwind. I’ve finally had 8 weeks to process it and I’m ready to write about it and share it with y’all. Everything I read said you can make a birth “plan” but be flexible because anything can and does happen when it comes to childbirth. For me, it was really post-birth that didn’t go according to plan. But the rest of the experience proved to be more intense than I ever imagined! Here is my story...

Early on in my pregnancy, I did some research and decided adamantly against a routine hospital birth, unless in case of an emergency. I also decided that a home birth wasn’t what I wanted either because I didn’t want to give birth in an inflatable pool and I was nervous about complications arising. A birthing center was the perfect Goldilocks choice for me with its big beautiful birthing tub and it’s proximity to one of the best women’s hospitals across the street. 

I was almost positive I would go three days past my due date all pregnancy long. Call it a premonition but I never thought I’d go early. That is, until Jackson began dropping a couple of weeks before my due date and I began experience symptoms of what they call prodromal labor. I readied myself with oils, energy work, and by meeting with my backup doula because my hired doula was out of town. Sure enough, on the morning of October 8th (four days before my due date) I awoke with what I thought were contractions—not the period cramps I had been experiencing before. I began timing them on my app and sure enough, they were already 5-6 minutes apart.

What the?! My books, my pregnancy forums, and my childbirth classes all said to prepare for 3-12 hours of early labor. But now the contractions were pretty intense and almost 5 minutes apart?! I guess we kinda skipped early labor. So I texted Sally, my backup doula, and she was over at our house within the hour. Labor progressed way faster than I thought with me hearing a pop at 4 am (just two hours after I woke up) followed by water coming out in the toilet. And then all over the floor. After that, shit got real fast and I found myself on my way to the birth center where they could check my cervix and baby’s heart rate. Three centimeters dilated and 100% effaced. Heart rate good to go!

6 am. Contractions stronger and more painful now. They wanted me to walk down the stairs and around the birthing center. I told them I couldn’t. They gently cajoled me into it so my labor would progress even more and I took two very excruciating trips around the birthing center, pausing every 3-4 minutes to moan in pain. 

We made it back inside and they admitted me into the only birthing room I didn’t want to be in—the one without windows. I complained and they said they would clean one of the other two rooms once the women in there went home with their babies. The birth center doesn’t keep you more than 12 hours after you give birth. Around that time, I got super nauseated. I was sitting on the bed and I eyed a trash can in the bathroom. I calmly told Erik to grab it because I was going to throw up and I did. I lost everything I had in me. I hadn’t eaten much since labor started because I didn’t have much of an appetite. This would prove to be a horrible idea later on down the line.

I labored in the cave room in the garden tub, on a birthing ball in the shower, and on the bed. Everywhere I went, the contractions were excruciating—worse than any other period cramps I had experienced. I knew an epidural was not an option so I moaned and breathed rapidly through them. Eventually I got word that one of the other women left so they cleaned the room and transferred me to a room with big beautiful windows. It was lightly raining outside and I felt relieved to see nature through the glass. It was probably 10 am by that time I guess.

Noonish? Contractions were out of control intense. I went from the shower where Erik sprayed my back with hot water to the bed to the tub again. The warm waters of the deep garden tub were my happy place, still the water had nothing on the freight train contractions—spaced very close together at this point. Erik got in the tub with me and held me and spoke words of encouragement while my doula gave me cold water to drink and applied oils to me at my command. I used peppermint on a wet rag to cool me down, lavender on my chest to calm me, and Copaiba on my lower back to help with back labor. 

Eventually the nurse asked me to do some more walking and I said “I CAN’T!” At that point every minute or so I was in excruciating pain so walking seemed like a dumb idea. She got on my eye level and firmly looked at me saying, “you are right there. Walking will make him come faster.” I almost cried and slowly got up and forced myself to walk. Every other minute I was down on my knees with Erik holding my arms from above as a wave of muscle spasms took me down to the floor. The noises I made were guttural—primal. I can’t describe it. Animal.

I only walked down the hall and back before I was back on the bed, grabbing the pillow and yelling into it. At this point, I was exhausted. I had had nothing to eat in hours and they kept trying to feed me honey sticks to give me energy. My bladder was full from all of the cold water I kept demanding but my body wouldn’t void it. My throat was sore from yelling and my lips were dry from the breathing. (At this point you’re probably thinking a natural birth sounds like a wonderful idea aren’t you?!) I began wondering why I opted for it and thought twice about asking to go to the hospital but told myself not to let myself utter the words. This is what I wanted and by God I was gonna get it.

After hours of labor I finally felt the urge to push. This stage only went on for 45 minutes but it. Was. Intense. I ended up on an inflatable birthing stool with my legs shoved up against the midwife whose back was against the tub on the floor. I hardly had any physical energy left but the midwife, nurse, my doula, and Erik were all cheering me to push again...and telling me to bear down because I kept wanting to breathe, push, and scream from my chest. Finally when they said they could see his hair (and I finally understood what they mean by the ring of Fire) I gave one last humongous shove and out he came. Seriously. Once his head was out, his shoulders and the rest of his body slid out effortlessly. I was spent but elated. A part of me thought I wouldn’t be able to do it—give birth to this boy vaginally without an epidural. But I did it!

They placed him in my arms, Erik behind me, and I stared at this miracle child in disbelief. We held him and cried; it was so beautiful! I was assisted to the bed where I learned that he came so quickly in transition that I suffered 4th degree tears. After I had just finished pushing a baby out of my nether regions, they were gonna sew me up with nothing but lidocaine. In other words: UGH. It was as fun as it sounded. Erik got some skin to skin with Jackson while I was being doctored up, and I got some baby snuggles as well. 

Up until now, I got the birth I planned for except for the significant tearing. Now is where it’s not so gravy. Two problems came up. Because my blood sugar was so low and I had just been through birth on very little energy reserves, I became lightheaded and lethargic. The midwife decided to put give me a glucose IV because wasn’t looking too good. Erik took care of Jackson while I sipped soup and built up my blood sugar. 

#2, and the worst part: Jackson’s breathing was faster and more labored than the midwife liked to see. We stayed skin to skin with him for a few hours while they monitored him. Eventually, she decided that instead of sending us home, she would feel more comfortable if St. David’s NICU across the street took him in to monitor him overnight. So around 1:30 am we were wheelchaired to the hospital, exhausted and worried.

As it turned out, I had drank more water during labor than anyone the midwife or nurse had ever seen. Remember when I said I couldn’t void my bladder? When they catheterized me to drain my bladder, they couldn’t believe how much liquid came out. A full bladder blocks the birth canal and makes it difficult for a baby to navigate around and come out. So I shoved him out so quickly that he didn’t have time for the fluid to be forced out of his lungs resulting in rapid breathing called transient tachypnea. This led to a 5 day stay in the NiCu until we were finally released. 

So there ya have it. I got my natural birth...just some postpartum scares I hadn’t planned for (like you ever do!). If I’m blessed with another pregnancy, I will do two things differently during childbirth: EAT MORE FOOD before labor gets too bad, and DRINK LESS WATER. All in all, we made it. I’m proud of myself for what I endured and thankful for my birth team—especially my supportive husband. Thanks for reading! I hope this doesn’t scare you away from a natural birth, as it was a very beautiful and life changing experience! You live and you learn!